Someone else's children

So, I'm in a relationship with a married man - in that, he's still married and will get divorced eventually (honestly, they'd split almost a year before we even thought of getting together, the split had nothing to do with me).  And he has three kids, the youngest (11) is an absolutely sweetheart, he sees his dad every other weekend, as per agreement and because he really wants to spend time with his dad.  The middle one is now getting to be a bit challenging, playing one parent off against the other when one says no, you know what I mean.  And the oldest one (16 going on 26) is a pain and then some.  I bite my tongue repeatedly about how to bring up kids, I don't have any and don't really want them, for these and many other reasons.

And at times it drives me insane!  When they first split, he missed his kids dreadfully and every day he suffered knowing that he no longer got to see them every day.  We were only acquaintances at that time but I could see how much it all pained him.  The S2BX (soon to be ex) was pretty horrid, some things were deliberate, like telling one of the girls that her father never really wanted her any way, and some just inconsiderate, like not ensuring that they all went to his every fortnight, as per the agreement, so the older ones decided that being with their friends was more fun and of course they can always see Dad next time ….. and then next time there's something else to do.

So he's decided to be "available" for the kids when they want or need to get in touch with him and he goes out of his way to help.  Which – in my humble opinion – means that the older ones treat him incredibly badly, only asking for money or to be driven somewhere, or a combination of the both.  And he gets really upset about this because he sees what's happening but he doesn't say anything because he is grateful for every bit of contact that he gets and he doesn't want to lose them altogether.

And I bite my tongue, over and over and over again, until I have too much to drink and then say something.  Which usually just makes him upset, because he agrees with me but doesn't want to take the risk, and the conversation ends as a stalemate, no conclusion, no moving on.

It's so hard to watch someone you love being beaten up all the time, not literally obviously, but maybe that wouldn't be as painful.  I don't think anyone can give me any solutions to this one – it's just good to get it out because I don't talk about it much at home, for all the reasons above.  Life's not simple is it?!

Old Friends, Good Times

I had a week where all I wanted to do was moan and complain and thought that my blog didn't deserve all of that.  So waited until I got something nicer to write about.  Which was yesterday.  Despite blinding headache, I went to see an old friend, possibly my oldest friend that I'm still in touch with - in terms of longevity of friendship rather than age of friend - and who I'd not caught up with for some months because we can both be a bit pants.  And it was lovely.  We went for a long walk on to the downs near where he lives - well actually not that near because it must have been a good two miles to get there and then we walked for a couple of miles and then walked home again, all starting quite late in the afternoon.  But the weather was beautiful and we walked and chatted.

There are some friendships that it really doesn't matter if you see your friend every day or not for weeks or months, it's still the same.  And this is one of those.  We've been friends for the best part of 30 years, since primary school, and we've laughed, cried, fought, travelled ...... and we're still there for each other.  When I split up with my boyfriend, and I had to cope with the house on my own and get used to having no money, he was there.  I've taken him on holiday because he's had no money.  I've got used to his girlfriends banning him from seeing me because there "obviously" must be something going on - because I've known that if I just wait, he'll see that if she can't deal with a friendship, she's really not worth hanging on to.  And my boyfriend really likes him too so that shows me that I'm with a really great guy.

Yesterday also underlined that I need to plan more exciting weekends like this.  Not going far or spending lots of money but just having some quality good time with quality people.  Hmm, where's my diary.

Oops, neglecting my blog

So I've neglected my blog already.  Partly because I've been away but also because my Smart Phone isn't smart in connection with updating a blog.  I can create a new entry, or edit one that's saved, but can't actually write anything in the text boxes.  Anyone?  Anyone?

My holiday was wonderful and has left me not wanting to be back, particularly back in work.  I've had a bit of an up-and-down year, with more down than up I suspect, and it's been pretty tricky for me as I previously loved my job.  Of course I had bad days, with bosses who ranged from frustrating to incompetent to actually not very nice, but I didn't have too much trouble getting out of bed to do it.  In the last year, that's been totally different.  My attitude has been knocked because I was treated very badly (after being treated just "badly" a couple of years before) and as I look around, I have no faith in the senior management to be able to do what needs to be done.  Or, frankly, to do very much indeed.  But I manage staff and I still have the personal integrity to know that I can't let them know I feel like that and have to help them achieve their objectives every day.  Blugh.

So I got back to work on Monday morning, having landed on Saturday evening, been home and in bed at a reasonable time and awake before 4am on both Sunday and Monday mornings.  So I got in to work just after 7am on Monday because I knew I'd be flagging in the late afternoon.  I ploughed through 300 or so emails and thought "nothing's happened".  No progress had been made on big issues, and the managers below me hadn't done anything with what I'd asked them to do. Very frustrating.  And it also fired the side of me that gives a big sigh every morning when I get up so that I don't want to be there again.

So we need to think about operation get out.  Get somewhere else.  So that I feel I'm doing SOMETHING.  There is a project I'm working on that'll run to early next year and it's about changing structure and staffing so I really do want to see that through (good for the CV but also make sure my people are treated properly because they deserve it) and then ......

Answers on a postcard please .....

Drunken women

So the first problem with this blog is that my HTC doesn't let me write text in the box, only give a title.  Must work on that one.

On Friday I went to a dinner as part of the "playing corporate wife" bit of this trip (I'm not actually anyone's wife, but playing corporate girlfriend doesn't have the same ring to it).  It was mostly good, slightly weird but mostly good.  There are some people who rate your worth but visible characteristics - at an academic conference, some guys think that you're not at all worthwhile if you don't have a PhD.   And others don't want to speak to you if you can't be used as a step up for their career.  And I'm used to all of that, I don't like it but I'm certainly now able to ignore it - people who don't want to speak to me really don't interest me.

But what I really didn't get at this event, and it's the first time I've witnessed it, is that there were a number of younger women (late 20s, early 30s) who are bright and not just there as the "plus one" - some who work at well-renowned universities, some with PhDs or studying for them - who needed to prove their worth by hanging on the words, and arms, of the most influential men.  There was an incredible amount of eye-lash fluttering, giggling, flicking of hair ..... and as the evening went on, there were some drunken women throwing themselves at guys who, frankly, in ordinary society are the academic nerds and are not going to turn down the attentions of females, particularly young attractive ones.

But WHY, I found myself wondering.  I work in a totally different sphere, the public sector, but still find myself in the middle of conversations when I'm assumed to be stupid because I am young (well, now I have to say "younger" as I go through my 30s) and female.  I quite enjoy wiping the floor with these ignorant men during meetings or conversations and that's how I assert my worth in a work context.  Fortunately, there aren't that many woman who try to play on their femininity to get things done and that is good for all of us.  Because what I really didn't understand was that these women were setting their own cause - and those of all females in all fields back decades.  These men were learning that they could chose who was academically useful based on who flattered them the most and was (possibly, I wasn't there at the end of the evening) willing to sleep with them ..... or at least might sleep with them at some point in the future.  And this was seen as right.

I can't conclude anything from this because I'm still confused by it all.  But can suggest that these women need to look in the mirror, develop some self esteem and simply grow up!

Take a while to get back to you

I'm away at the moment, on the other side of the world.  It's been a while since I've had a holiday and this one is being really fab already.  It's actually a bit of a cheat's holiday as my other half is on business here and I'm tagging along.  A positive for me is that this is one of the few ways that we get to do this sort of trip.  We earn about the same amount but unlike him, I don't have a (nearly) ex wife and three kids so our disposable income couldn't be more different, with me saving lots because I've never lived up to my means and him trying to come out with less outgoings than income each month and not always succeeding.  And of course, as he's a "man" (said whilst beating the chest), he's doesn't accept the argument that I could pay for both of us.  He doesn't accept the argument that a holiday is worth lots and lots to me, such that I'd be happy to pay for it twice over.  We NEVER argue, in a healthy but pretty sickening manner it has to be said, but one day we really will row about this one.

The downside about this way of travelling is that I have to be corporate wife.  It's not really corporate wife as he's an academic but I feel I know how these poor women feel.  I can't decide what's worse as you either end up talking to the people who want to tell you about their work in great detail or you get ignored (to the point of people turning their back on you and not talking to you) because it's assumed you don't have a PhD and therefore can't have a brain in your head.  Some people are truly lovely about it all but some are really horrid.  There was a drinks "do" last night and I suffered somewhat there but there were also some really lovely people who were nice to talk to.

This morning (after the alarm goes off in two hours time, damn you jetlag) I'm get to go off and see a beautiful area of the country whilst the workers work.  Very much looking forward to it - yay for holidays!!

Hello Blog!

So here's the thing .....  I've been reading a couple of blogs for quite some time.  It started when I was looking for weight-loss stories and inspiration, but I got hooked.  I got hooked on the stories of other people's lives.  I hope in a genuine way and not with voyeuristic glee at how things were going, or not going, for other people.  And I love it.  I feel like I know these people and feel like I have been I've been through their ups and downs with them. 

So I thought it should be my go.  I mean, I've been being quite selfish for quite a while, reading but not participating.  And I've got lots of things I mull over in my head so why not put my thoughts out here for everyone else to see and comment on!  Why not indeed.

So hello blogsphere.  Please be nice to me!