I'm counting the days until my holiday. Two weeks today I'll be on a flight to Bangkok, which will take a full day by the time I've changed and have lost the time difference. I've booked myself on to a trip from Bangkok to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) overland, just two weeks but the weather should be good (yes, I've seen the notice of flooding) and I'll be somewhere interesting that I've never been before.
However, I think that I'm counting the days because I'm not really enjoying work at the moment. We've been going through the same public sector grief as everyone else and that's not pleasant, but my real frustrations at the moment come with my boss and colleagues not engaging and not making time for the really important job of putting people into posts and then managing them - we don't have great staff but we have to performance manage our staff in the right way.
I'm need to work out how to deal with work or what to do next instead. But right now, I'm enjoying the run up to my holiday - looking at what I can see from my raft of guidebooks and planning what to take and what to do. This will more than usefully occupy me for now and maybe when I'm relaxed, I can think about work.
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Being happy
I've just read Lesley's post which includes her worries about being happy and it made me mull over how my very nice man and I have spent some time discussing how odd it sometimes feels for us to be happy and contented. I think he spends more time being surprised about it than I do as his ex is/was not easy to be with and in hindsight he knows that he wasn't happy for a large proportion of his marriage.
We can be soppy - when he asks if I'm ok, my answer is usually "of course because I'm with you" and I really do mean it. And when he worries about how things are going to play with me, I have to remind him that I rarely get upset with him because it isn't in his nature to do things to upset me. (Worse fault I can think of is that he's a bit rubbish at planning which does wind me up as that's the worst I can say, I know I should hold on tight to him).
By constrast, I had to remind myself that in my previous relationship I was happy at times and it wasn't just in my head, he'd written me letters (when I lived abroad and email wasn't as easy to find) that said he was happy with me too. That didn't last and again with the 20:20 vision of hindsight, I know it wasn't right for a while but at the time I didn't want us to split up and I wanted to be with him.
The saddest thing that I struggle with is when I can see that friends aren't happy. Of course, you never see inside someone else's relationship entirely but when you feel that someone else seems to be unhappy more often than they are happy, and you hear about their woes, it's so very hard not to say "just leave him" or even more tactfully "are you sure you're doing the right thing". Because it would,of course,be the worst thing to do and would probably signal the end of the friendship.
But tonight I'm happy being happy and happy being me.
We can be soppy - when he asks if I'm ok, my answer is usually "of course because I'm with you" and I really do mean it. And when he worries about how things are going to play with me, I have to remind him that I rarely get upset with him because it isn't in his nature to do things to upset me. (Worse fault I can think of is that he's a bit rubbish at planning which does wind me up as that's the worst I can say, I know I should hold on tight to him).
By constrast, I had to remind myself that in my previous relationship I was happy at times and it wasn't just in my head, he'd written me letters (when I lived abroad and email wasn't as easy to find) that said he was happy with me too. That didn't last and again with the 20:20 vision of hindsight, I know it wasn't right for a while but at the time I didn't want us to split up and I wanted to be with him.
The saddest thing that I struggle with is when I can see that friends aren't happy. Of course, you never see inside someone else's relationship entirely but when you feel that someone else seems to be unhappy more often than they are happy, and you hear about their woes, it's so very hard not to say "just leave him" or even more tactfully "are you sure you're doing the right thing". Because it would,of course,be the worst thing to do and would probably signal the end of the friendship.
But tonight I'm happy being happy and happy being me.
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Lazy Sunday (not different to Monday, Tuesday ....)
Just getting up on Sunday morning. Not quite worked out why the times are so screwed up on here but that makes it about 11am. I've been awake for a little while already but as I seemed to watch the clock tick from hour to hour last night, I only had about 4 hours sleep in total, which is most definitely not enough. Can't work out how or why that happened but there you are. I don't feel lousy on it, which is good news, unlike the last few days when I've been unable to shift a headache, no particular reason for having it, which was pretty irritating. The challenge will be to stay awake until bedtime tonight and not just go back to sleep for a nap. It feels nice but I always regret it come 3am when I'm still awake.
So I have few plans for today. Hoovering and dusting needs to feature, after I looked laying in bed this morning and spotted a rather large cobweb. Well I've known it was overdue so I can't complain about it but it's not my favourite weekend activity. Going to see a friend who has a fairly small child. Not sure how small "small" is - thinking about 3 months old? She's pretty practical so isn't going to be asking if I'd like to hold the baby just cos. I don't mind being practical but don't have the urge to be near babies just because they are there.
I'm mulling over what to do about a friend being a bit pants. There are two sides to this - one is not returning calls, emails and resulting in you chasing, which I get annoyed about but most people go through those phases, myself included, so normally you just have to weather the storm. The one that annoys me more is that he's being somewhat careless with stuff - he has the keys to my garage because I store his drum kit and some other stuff that a few of his share (we play in a band together - well used to play in a band together, a different irritant) and I'm feeling both a little put out that he's being careless and doing things like leaving stuff outside (I came home to the spares box - that isn't owned by either of us but by another mate, also with garage-storing privileges - sitting on my bins), losing stuff (my chair disappeared after he borrowed it, it reappeared after a while but I had to play two gigs without it, which was uncomfortable) and the one that REALLY gets me is coming around and accessing the garage when I'm home, without even ringing the doorbell to say hello. One day it will be a thief and I'm going to ignore the noise of the garage opening just as I assume it's him again.
He's absolutely terrible at confrontation - he avoids it in a way that often makes the situation worse, you've never seen anyone like it. So the couple of pointed comments I've made to date have done nothing. I don't see very much of him any more, so if I do say anything, I'm going to have to go around to see him, which isn't a great motivation to do it - I'm not keen on going to visit just to argue with someone.
I'm just leaving it still at the moment, just to see if it's me being extra picky or if it continues. I'm going to have to say something I know. Just what and when I'm not sure. Why can't life be easy?!
So I have few plans for today. Hoovering and dusting needs to feature, after I looked laying in bed this morning and spotted a rather large cobweb. Well I've known it was overdue so I can't complain about it but it's not my favourite weekend activity. Going to see a friend who has a fairly small child. Not sure how small "small" is - thinking about 3 months old? She's pretty practical so isn't going to be asking if I'd like to hold the baby just cos. I don't mind being practical but don't have the urge to be near babies just because they are there.
I'm mulling over what to do about a friend being a bit pants. There are two sides to this - one is not returning calls, emails and resulting in you chasing, which I get annoyed about but most people go through those phases, myself included, so normally you just have to weather the storm. The one that annoys me more is that he's being somewhat careless with stuff - he has the keys to my garage because I store his drum kit and some other stuff that a few of his share (we play in a band together - well used to play in a band together, a different irritant) and I'm feeling both a little put out that he's being careless and doing things like leaving stuff outside (I came home to the spares box - that isn't owned by either of us but by another mate, also with garage-storing privileges - sitting on my bins), losing stuff (my chair disappeared after he borrowed it, it reappeared after a while but I had to play two gigs without it, which was uncomfortable) and the one that REALLY gets me is coming around and accessing the garage when I'm home, without even ringing the doorbell to say hello. One day it will be a thief and I'm going to ignore the noise of the garage opening just as I assume it's him again.
He's absolutely terrible at confrontation - he avoids it in a way that often makes the situation worse, you've never seen anyone like it. So the couple of pointed comments I've made to date have done nothing. I don't see very much of him any more, so if I do say anything, I'm going to have to go around to see him, which isn't a great motivation to do it - I'm not keen on going to visit just to argue with someone.
I'm just leaving it still at the moment, just to see if it's me being extra picky or if it continues. I'm going to have to say something I know. Just what and when I'm not sure. Why can't life be easy?!
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Sunday evening, doing something other than what I'd planned to do
I'm sitting at home watching sad teen films. Well, a sad teen film with the plan of watching Spooks at 9pm. The plan had been to have a band rehearsal but between my very nice man being dragged away for work (Nice is nice when you can choose to go there but not when you've got to get there because there are no sensible flights tomorrow morning) and one of the other lasses has been called on to parent duty - child who's stressed about some work for next week and of course she had to step up.
I've been less than productive today. My man left around 11 this morning and I watched tv for a big, fell asleep on the sofa (what am I like) and haven't done much other than go to Tesco for some food shopping - oh and then tried to multi-task whilst making dinner which resulted in well done lamb steak, overcooked vegetables and the smoke detector going off.
The weekend was otherwise good fun. I met up with a friend on Friday - she's got 2 kids but is very practical with it and so we had a good chat. She has a cute 3 year old and a very well-behaved little one - really, 4 hours and not a wimper. Friday evening I was really tired so we didn't go out. And on Saturday we went for a 9 mile walk around a local reservoir - the weather was so beautiful, really warm and not a cloud in the sky. And in the evening we went to a 40th celebration - a gathering with good friends rather than a big party which was lovely. We spent a nice time chatting and laughing - I don't laugh enough I sometimes realise.
So back to work tomorrow, boo hiss. Last week wasn't too bad but it's still not fun. I'm hoping next week will continue to go well. Fingers crossed. Hope everyon else had a fun weekend.
I've been less than productive today. My man left around 11 this morning and I watched tv for a big, fell asleep on the sofa (what am I like) and haven't done much other than go to Tesco for some food shopping - oh and then tried to multi-task whilst making dinner which resulted in well done lamb steak, overcooked vegetables and the smoke detector going off.
The weekend was otherwise good fun. I met up with a friend on Friday - she's got 2 kids but is very practical with it and so we had a good chat. She has a cute 3 year old and a very well-behaved little one - really, 4 hours and not a wimper. Friday evening I was really tired so we didn't go out. And on Saturday we went for a 9 mile walk around a local reservoir - the weather was so beautiful, really warm and not a cloud in the sky. And in the evening we went to a 40th celebration - a gathering with good friends rather than a big party which was lovely. We spent a nice time chatting and laughing - I don't laugh enough I sometimes realise.
So back to work tomorrow, boo hiss. Last week wasn't too bad but it's still not fun. I'm hoping next week will continue to go well. Fingers crossed. Hope everyon else had a fun weekend.
Saturday, 8 October 2011
Please world, stop picking on me .....
I'm feeling a bit battered and bruised today, quite literally because I've got a bruise on the back of my hand from nowhere and got a jab yesterday which means I have a very achy arm. But also metaphorically. I've moved from feeling very happy and positive to feeling like the world is out to get me this week - and I need to think my way through that so that next week is better.
Carrying on with the medical theme, I've been to the surgery twice this week, unheard of for me. Once to have a further doctor's appointment about the headache I've now had for the best part of four months. This was my third visit and involved the doctor asking "what do you want to get out of this" - I've had a headache for four months, as well as making it go away, I was hoping for some kind of explanation. It's not normal and not right - and therefore not fair. I'm being referred to a neurologist, not actually what I wanted, although I'm not sure what I was after. Until then, I'm taking daily tablets, not my preferred approach. My trip to the nurse on Friday was to get a typhoid jab, in preparation for my holiday - yay. But I was told that malaria tablets can only be by private prescription and that this costs £10 to get the Doctor to write a prescription before it works out at about £3 per tablet. I accept that I have to pay for the medication but £10 for the script is outrageous! It must be in the NHS's interest for me to take malaria tablets. I'm pretty left wing in my views and as a single woman with no children and a well-paid job, I accept that I pay more tax than I will ever get back from any services - indeed I more than accept that, I believe it is morally right. And I also am comfortable with means testing where appropriate. But £10 for a doctor to write a prescription - really?
I'm also feeling a bit picked on at work. We're restructuring which is difficult and we have to do a lot of paperwork and also ask our staff to apply for jobs and it's stressful for all. I've agreed to coordinate the process and I'm really disturbed by the views that some of my colleagues take of the process. They're not taking it seriously which is just outrageous - yes, we also have busy day jobs but we are leaders and managers and that has to be our first priority right now. But what I'm REALLY feeling sore about is that due to someone else's disorganisation, I had to come in on Friday for 1 hour to complete something that was scheduled for Thursday. I don't work on Fridays. Coming in for that one hour took me nearly 4 hours in travel time because trains are slower ourside morning and evening peaks. And the person whose fault it was didn't even acknowledge what I did - didn't even apologise for screwing up my week.
So after going to work on Friday, going to the doctors to get jabbed and stung for a prescription and finally getting rained on as I left the surgery - really heavy drops that get you wet very quickly - I felt really picked on by the time I got home.
I'm looking for a nice weekend. I'm starting with a blank canvas. I have no plans - I need to do some tidying up and cleaning at home, not fun but necessary and hopefully something from which I can get a sense of achievement (let's face it, the spare room is messy enough right now that if I can put all the washing away and do the filing, I will have achieved quite a great deal). Otherwise, I'm going to do nice things for me I think. Not sure what but something nice. Because the work stuff will continue and I'll need to have some resilience to get on with work next week.
Carrying on with the medical theme, I've been to the surgery twice this week, unheard of for me. Once to have a further doctor's appointment about the headache I've now had for the best part of four months. This was my third visit and involved the doctor asking "what do you want to get out of this" - I've had a headache for four months, as well as making it go away, I was hoping for some kind of explanation. It's not normal and not right - and therefore not fair. I'm being referred to a neurologist, not actually what I wanted, although I'm not sure what I was after. Until then, I'm taking daily tablets, not my preferred approach. My trip to the nurse on Friday was to get a typhoid jab, in preparation for my holiday - yay. But I was told that malaria tablets can only be by private prescription and that this costs £10 to get the Doctor to write a prescription before it works out at about £3 per tablet. I accept that I have to pay for the medication but £10 for the script is outrageous! It must be in the NHS's interest for me to take malaria tablets. I'm pretty left wing in my views and as a single woman with no children and a well-paid job, I accept that I pay more tax than I will ever get back from any services - indeed I more than accept that, I believe it is morally right. And I also am comfortable with means testing where appropriate. But £10 for a doctor to write a prescription - really?
I'm also feeling a bit picked on at work. We're restructuring which is difficult and we have to do a lot of paperwork and also ask our staff to apply for jobs and it's stressful for all. I've agreed to coordinate the process and I'm really disturbed by the views that some of my colleagues take of the process. They're not taking it seriously which is just outrageous - yes, we also have busy day jobs but we are leaders and managers and that has to be our first priority right now. But what I'm REALLY feeling sore about is that due to someone else's disorganisation, I had to come in on Friday for 1 hour to complete something that was scheduled for Thursday. I don't work on Fridays. Coming in for that one hour took me nearly 4 hours in travel time because trains are slower ourside morning and evening peaks. And the person whose fault it was didn't even acknowledge what I did - didn't even apologise for screwing up my week.
So after going to work on Friday, going to the doctors to get jabbed and stung for a prescription and finally getting rained on as I left the surgery - really heavy drops that get you wet very quickly - I felt really picked on by the time I got home.
I'm looking for a nice weekend. I'm starting with a blank canvas. I have no plans - I need to do some tidying up and cleaning at home, not fun but necessary and hopefully something from which I can get a sense of achievement (let's face it, the spare room is messy enough right now that if I can put all the washing away and do the filing, I will have achieved quite a great deal). Otherwise, I'm going to do nice things for me I think. Not sure what but something nice. Because the work stuff will continue and I'll need to have some resilience to get on with work next week.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thanking Crunchie that it's Friday
It's been a long week. For no real reason I guess. Monday the trains were PANTS - I got to the station and there was nothing running anywhere, and no information from anyone of course. I went away for an hour and had a drink and some dinner - even if they'd have announced a train, I wouldn't have got anywhere near it. And on return, I hung about for the 2023, which was cancelled at 2050, then sat on the 2123 (2107 disappeared without discussion), heard an announcement by the driver that it wasn't going anywhere until at least 2200 and then the station announcement said we should give up and go on a different line and have rail replacement buses. Left work at 1845, got home at 2325.
Tuesday, I went to some leaving drinks - for that infamous 1 drink - and didn't get home until midnight. Fortunately not too much alcohol consumed but have now reached the age when tiredness can make me feel just as crap as the hangover.
Wednesday, I was good and at home and in bed by 9pm after a (soft) drink with a friend and dinner. And Thursday, I was home by 2pm after my headache had got to unbearable and not quite to time to start vomitting but that wasn't something the rest of the office needed to see. Not really sure why that happened. So I'm having my usual Friday off, moving slowly, relaxing and trying to find a balance between getting things done and not making myself ill again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by photos from a trip to Russia in 2009. I've been trying to sort out the "stuff" that I have at home. I'm a hoarder - not anywhere as bad as any of those you see on the hideous Channel 5 shows, but I do keep lots of sentimental stuff - and I'm trying to sort out what I want to keep and what can go. And within what can be kept, how should it be kept. There's no point in drawers of ticket stubbs or programmes from the theatre. I'm putting things together - and getting rid of the things that I have more than one of and getting rid of the blurry photos that are never going to end up in albums. And right now, sticking photos into albums along with postcards, ticket stubbs, business cards and other bits and pieces that I brought back from far flung places.
Progress has been relatively slow - I had 8 months off a few years ago (2006-7) and those photos only got into albums last year. Last month I finished Syria 2008 and now it's 2009. There are still things from last Millennium and also from before early 2000s but I'm making progress and I'm proud of me for that. I'm not doing it for anyone else - friends are welcome to look at albums but no one ever really wants to look at all your holiday stuff in the way that you do. I enjoy looking through, smiling and laughing about what happened when and where, and I do use them for that.
Incredibly selfish - and incredibly important for me. So I'm getting back to it!
Tuesday, I went to some leaving drinks - for that infamous 1 drink - and didn't get home until midnight. Fortunately not too much alcohol consumed but have now reached the age when tiredness can make me feel just as crap as the hangover.
Wednesday, I was good and at home and in bed by 9pm after a (soft) drink with a friend and dinner. And Thursday, I was home by 2pm after my headache had got to unbearable and not quite to time to start vomitting but that wasn't something the rest of the office needed to see. Not really sure why that happened. So I'm having my usual Friday off, moving slowly, relaxing and trying to find a balance between getting things done and not making myself ill again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by photos from a trip to Russia in 2009. I've been trying to sort out the "stuff" that I have at home. I'm a hoarder - not anywhere as bad as any of those you see on the hideous Channel 5 shows, but I do keep lots of sentimental stuff - and I'm trying to sort out what I want to keep and what can go. And within what can be kept, how should it be kept. There's no point in drawers of ticket stubbs or programmes from the theatre. I'm putting things together - and getting rid of the things that I have more than one of and getting rid of the blurry photos that are never going to end up in albums. And right now, sticking photos into albums along with postcards, ticket stubbs, business cards and other bits and pieces that I brought back from far flung places.
Progress has been relatively slow - I had 8 months off a few years ago (2006-7) and those photos only got into albums last year. Last month I finished Syria 2008 and now it's 2009. There are still things from last Millennium and also from before early 2000s but I'm making progress and I'm proud of me for that. I'm not doing it for anyone else - friends are welcome to look at albums but no one ever really wants to look at all your holiday stuff in the way that you do. I enjoy looking through, smiling and laughing about what happened when and where, and I do use them for that.
Incredibly selfish - and incredibly important for me. So I'm getting back to it!
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Long week!
I'm sitting in bed on Sunday morning, having watched the Andrew Marr programme and am willing myself to get up and get on with all the stuff I need to do. I can see the blue sky through the opening in the curtains and that's a nice thought as we're having a street party today. The street party is a mix of fun and hard work - I don't know my neighbours as well as I'd like and a get together gives an opportunity to do so, but when you don't know people as well, the socialising is a little harder. But I have very nice neighbours and it's worth doing.
The week has been very hectic, although I'm not really sure why. My very nice man had been working away last week - Singapore which is a 7 hour time difference and a real killer because you struggle to speak because either I had to stay up until midnight to catch him when he was getting up or he had to stay up even later to catch me when I got in from work. But hey, it was only a week. I saw him on Monday and Tuesday, had a friend over for dinner on Tuesday, went to his parents for dinner on Thursday and caught up with a friend on Friday (when I don't work because I do long days on Mon-Thu to get all my hours in on those days instead). And then yesterday I went to a friend's son's birthday party and to see a band play. And now it's Sunday and October is only around the corner next week!
Wednesday was lovely. The friend over for dinner was someone I've known for about 10 years and we have alternated as being closest friends and barely seeing each other. He set off round the world last year and ended up stopping in Australia, partly because as a teacher, he could get a working visa. I hate the cliches about "finding yourself" but he's really done that whilst he's been away - in particular, come to terms with some stuff about himself which has done him the world of good, and also has explained SO many things about life in the past. We met up when I was in Australia and had a really, really good heart-to-heart, confronted each other about stuff and worked out how we were going to be friends. And it seems to be working. He was passing through for two weeks and we only caught up twice, once in passing and once just the two of us, and it's all working well. I'm loving it. And hoping it'll last, no reason to believe otherwise yet.
I am having trouble with another friend at the moment. I'm not the only one and I'm not sure why. He seems to be quite absent, hard to get in touch with (unless he needs to speak to you and then is very persistent), doing the bare minimum to get things done for a group of us ..... and the big part is that this isn't what he's usually like. Well I say usually, but this has gone for a good couple of months (actually thinking about it, since the turn of the year, which is nearer ten months, I realise now). He doesn't do confrontation - I've observed previously how he's not said things to people rather than possibly cause upset, which of course in the long run causes more upset. It is driving me crazy. I've asked a few times if there's anything going on that means he can't do x, y or z that we're trying to get sorted out. And he's not answered.
Yesterday I had a chat with another friend who's suffering in the same way with him. We've done that quite a bit recently. I'm trying to work out the next step. I will say something but it has to be at the right time so as not to be confrontational etc. ButI want to get past this, it's irritating to start with!!
Anyhow, today is running away from me, I should get up and at it.
The week has been very hectic, although I'm not really sure why. My very nice man had been working away last week - Singapore which is a 7 hour time difference and a real killer because you struggle to speak because either I had to stay up until midnight to catch him when he was getting up or he had to stay up even later to catch me when I got in from work. But hey, it was only a week. I saw him on Monday and Tuesday, had a friend over for dinner on Tuesday, went to his parents for dinner on Thursday and caught up with a friend on Friday (when I don't work because I do long days on Mon-Thu to get all my hours in on those days instead). And then yesterday I went to a friend's son's birthday party and to see a band play. And now it's Sunday and October is only around the corner next week!
Wednesday was lovely. The friend over for dinner was someone I've known for about 10 years and we have alternated as being closest friends and barely seeing each other. He set off round the world last year and ended up stopping in Australia, partly because as a teacher, he could get a working visa. I hate the cliches about "finding yourself" but he's really done that whilst he's been away - in particular, come to terms with some stuff about himself which has done him the world of good, and also has explained SO many things about life in the past. We met up when I was in Australia and had a really, really good heart-to-heart, confronted each other about stuff and worked out how we were going to be friends. And it seems to be working. He was passing through for two weeks and we only caught up twice, once in passing and once just the two of us, and it's all working well. I'm loving it. And hoping it'll last, no reason to believe otherwise yet.
I am having trouble with another friend at the moment. I'm not the only one and I'm not sure why. He seems to be quite absent, hard to get in touch with (unless he needs to speak to you and then is very persistent), doing the bare minimum to get things done for a group of us ..... and the big part is that this isn't what he's usually like. Well I say usually, but this has gone for a good couple of months (actually thinking about it, since the turn of the year, which is nearer ten months, I realise now). He doesn't do confrontation - I've observed previously how he's not said things to people rather than possibly cause upset, which of course in the long run causes more upset. It is driving me crazy. I've asked a few times if there's anything going on that means he can't do x, y or z that we're trying to get sorted out. And he's not answered.
Yesterday I had a chat with another friend who's suffering in the same way with him. We've done that quite a bit recently. I'm trying to work out the next step. I will say something but it has to be at the right time so as not to be confrontational etc. ButI want to get past this, it's irritating to start with!!
Anyhow, today is running away from me, I should get up and at it.
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