So many thoughts

So many thoughts, so little time to put them down, but I'm starting to think that I need to do that again to clear out my brain periodically ...... spring cleaning the mind seems to be important.  I cleaned out the bathroom and bedroom at the weekend, found all the places that dust goes to hide (I'm so middle class that I have a cleaner, of which I'm sure my mother disapproves, but it's a saviour for my sanity and relationship - but as wonderful as she is, she doesn't pull out all the furniture to clean behind it, who would, so I still have to do these things).  Cleaning was cathartic so I thought I should probably sweep into some of the places I don't like to go in my mind too .....

But before it all gets too deep and dark, I'm going to rant about the EU referendum campaign.  I'm a pretty politically-engaged person, my job is front-line politics and I enjoy it (mostly - another rant).  But it makes me so cross to hear the ill-informed "debate" going on (I use debate loosely, most of it's just ill-informed nonsense).  I understand that not everyone shares my views, and that's ok.  But with over three weeks left to go, I'm sick of it all and really, really worried that the vote might go the wrong way.  Do I want to live in a country that doesn't think as I do?  But what are the options if it goes wrong?  Where to go - that'll take us (it's not just me any more, must think of my very lovely man) and were I to go, what would I do??

I've turned off the radio and a referendum campaign broadcast to write this.  It costs around £50m to run a referendum.  A happy thought to end on - happy Tuesday.

Trying again

It's been a million years. Once you stop doing the blogging thing, it becomes quite hard to start again. I got lazy and also tried to decide whether I was being self indulgent or not. But that's like trying to work out if you're being paranoid (or if they really are all out to get you!) - you can just self-analyse to death and you get nowhere. So stopped doing that, took a break and I'm back. I think.

I'm mostly feeling v happy. I feel blessed in my life, most of the time. There are, of course, crap moments. There are days when I'm tired and grumpy, there are days when my otherwise v lovely man is tired and grumpy. But I mainly enjoy my job and I have some fabulous friends and can generally have a good life.

I've been demonstrating this by going on a wonderful holiday to New Zealand, three weeks and I could have stayed double that. How have I not been before?! It was not a cheap holiday but really good fun and everywhere so beautiful. I also caught up with some old dear friends in Austria in the summer, we should do that more often but I'm sure it will be another five years before I see a few of them again. And I'm planning some nice trips this year to see friends in the UK and overseas. It's all a count down to the big four-oh next year but there's a while to go before that and that's when life begins, right?

A dear, dear friend has had a rough few months (probably a year) of it and it does make you think how lucky you are. She's done nothing to deserve it but she's doing so well to still be standing after all the mud that's been slung in her direction.  Makes you think.

Of course, I could be moaning again soon! Not-step-daughter is back from uni and whilst she was vile when back at Christmas and in January, she has arrived back a different person. I was somewhat dreading it but am willing to let bygones lie and get on well enough if this carries on. Fingers crossed. And I'm going to try to share again if you'll have me!!

It's a marathon not a sprint

Wow, where is this year going?  And how hard are we working to get through it?  Not just at the 9-5 (oh and I wish, 9-5 would be bliss, even with the 15 hours commuting) but at just staying ahead of everything that needs to be done in life. This week has ended in the ludicrous position that I've got a quote for a cleaner, finally, and I've not had time to make the final arrangements. So when I get home tonight (on my way back from work now at half 8) I'm going to have to clean the bathroom because I've been noticing the dust for days but there is no prospect of someone else doing it for ages.

So must get my priorities in order although I am doing that equally badly at work now. As evidenced by my leaving so late tonight and several other nights.

The sun is shining which makes life easier. Although weather has also been somewhat muggy which means I've woken many mornings with a headache and I've had many "glasses days" in recent weeks.

It's not all gloom. A mate from Australia was over visiting family and friends for a few days. He was in this hemisphere for longer but just had a few days around here. So we were able to have a couple of hours catch up which was nice. I've finally reclaimed my diary a little to do things I've been meaning to for ages - seen a friend for dinner and oodles of red wine, go to the cinema and even spend some evenings on the sofa just doing nothing.

I'm hoping for a quiet summer. Well it would be nice. My nice man is away for a week so I will have some me time and space. Hopefully post cleaner!!

How is it only Tuesday??

I'm suffering from long days and weeks but at the same time, my life flying by so quickly. My very lovely man and I looked at each other at the weekend and said "how is it June already", but apparently it is. There are some long days in the office, but that's ok cos there are only some and I'm loving the job still. There are evenings with lots of stuff but that's also ok cos I enjoy things I do and I've made some careful choices so I am doing things where I'm treated properly and doing things I'm enjoying. (In that, sometimes as a volunteer, you can be taken advantage of in a way you wouldn't put up with at work.)

But the year is hurtling by. There are still diary clashes and confusions which mean his ex and the kids still manage to screw up our lives but as I'm being a bit more in control of what I do, the direct impact on me is less. Selfish maybe but a necessary survival technique.  I've also met some new friends and got closer to some friends who were previously probably just acquaintences. That feels nice, meeting new people is less frequent as a "grown up".

I want to make some plans. Including Christmas, we are hoping to go to New Zealand in January. That'll be wonderful. But even doing that just takes more time.

So if I could have a few extra hours in the days, occasionally for sleeping not doing anything else. That'd be nice. Pretty please. !!

Grrr teenagers!!

Suddenly getting teenagers is confusing. Fortunately I don't have much responsibility for them but they have enough impact on my life that I have to engage and I often don't get it.

My very lovely man tells me that I must have been an odd child. I don't think so and indeed as many of my friends were as odd as me when they were younger, it makes me feel less sure. His kids are generally nice. Generally well natured and polite (although none have an internal filter so they can say anything and often do). However, they have no sense of money, no value of anything and are very materialistic but nothing ever lasts. They can't keep a penny in their pocket - their savings accounts from their grandparents were long ago spent by their mother and they've never been encouraged to save at all - and having the new thing is so very important to them.

The money thing I find tiring. The eldest is off to uni in September - if she gets her grades but that's another story - and despite knowing for a few months that her loan won't even cover her accommodation, she hasn't saved anything. She has most recently taken to buying clothes from a second-hand site on Facebook - which she justifies as being cheaper than buying the same things brand new. We could afford to give her money each month (and indeed will give her a small amount) but that will mean cutting back on holidays and things I enjoy for her to squander our hard-earned cash.

But actually that just irritates me rather than making me cross. What makes me cross is the disposable nature of everything.  Most of what I own has been built up over the last 15 years. I started with second-hand, hand-me-down furniture and bought new when I could afford it and actually have never had to replace anything. The sofa is 14 years old, the fridge is 15, my plates and bowls were bought over 2 years, something new when I could afford it. And it's been looked after. So to see them disregard my things is really annoying. The response to any challenge is "I'll buy a new one if I break it" is also annoying because, of course, that's not the point. Firstly some of these things aren't available any more - my inexpensive BHS china collection for example - and I don't want to take money from them. I want something that is above monetary value - respect, for me and my property.

On most days it doesn't make me very cross but when I've got home from work late to cook dinner for a sick boyfriend and am greeted with spillages that haven't been mopped up, dishes not washed up and not even in the dishwasher, floors that need sweeping hours after I last swept ..... It does make me say "grr, teenagers".

Blogger app, yay!!

Ok, I might be back properly now. I've got an app for blogger which allows me to type whereas I couldn't from the webpage.

So, what've I been up to. Living together continues to have its ups and downs. Ups are being together, waking up together, eating together, knowing there's nowhere else to be or to be thinking about ..... Downs include teenagers! And anything that involves organisation, partly because my very lovely man doesn't do advance planning but also because the kids, coupled with the ex, manage to screw up my life and plans regularly without trying too hard.

But I've got control of my diary and I am trying to exploit this for my own good. I've been living week to week but around others' plans which really isn't me. I used to be someone who knew what I was doing weeks in advance and I need that sometimes. It feels like I've not been making the moat of life, the cleaning needs to be done but not always at weekends, I've got lots of dear friends who also have busy lives and catching up involves effort.

So I've tracked what's supposed to be happening and planned around it, dinner with friends, nights out, trying to strike a balance between fun and too busy. Lets see if I've got it right!!

Catching up again

Once again I've been away for a while.  I don't understand why I can't update other than being on a "real" computer.  But enough moans.

The living together thing has had its ups and downs in the last few weeks.  Many downs and many adjustments - and fortunately we seem to have come out the other side.  None of the issues with my lovely man but his eighteen-year-old daughter.  Who is fine - I mean, the Daily Mail would not find anything to write about her, she's not terrorising the neighbourhood and isn't getting pregnant to claim benefits.  But there are lots of things that are just niggles, which mount up to become bigger and bigger if one's not careful.

For example, she's incredibly thoughtless, as I understand all teenagers are.  And doesn't see things.  So will just leave dirty dishes around and expect the fairies to move them.  And not think it's ever her turn to do the washing up or to load the dishwasher.  Her room is an absolute bombsite, which I can live with because I don't see it, but she doesn't do any washing, cleaning, and in being lazy, there is damage caused, such as leaving towels to ruin the surface of the furniture.  That is what annoys me.  Oh and leaving on lights, appliances (including her electric blanket - and I could have crowned her grandparents when she opened that present on Christmas day!) and not putting food back into the fridge or covering things, not considering wastage, the usual!

At the same time, she wants to go to uni in September - although with a D and an E in her last round of modular exams, that might not be a forgone conclusion.  But that does at least mean just a couple more months.  She drives her father just as far up the wall as she does me.  And of course, on a good day, she can be fine and pleasant and nice.  

Having lived on my own for over a decade, I knew that moving in with other people would be an adjustment.  I am incredibly messy by nature and I'm making a huge effort to keep the place tidy - I want it to be tidy and my very lovely man does too, and I do think it's worth it.  But when she then has no regard or respect, it really makes me see red!

But as I say, it's getting better.  Partly because we're both finding our balance.  Partly because she's learning what she can and can't get away with when living with me (her father likes an easy life but it can't be like that, we need to be fair to each other).  It's all a but challenging but we're getting there.

Otherwise, I've realised I've not got any exciting holidays planned this year.  Next year, we're going to go to New Zealand in January so it's a while and an expensive one.  But this year, I only have a short trip planned so far (weekend away for friend's 40th birthday in Germany, where he lives).  So ......

Mrs Grumpy Pants

I've been having a bit of a run of it.  There's something about the weather, something about the time of year, and something about what feels like everything conspiring against me.

So to get it down in the hope of getting it out of my system and starting at the end: my car has a crack in the windscreen, which developed from a small chip which was so small I'd forgotten about it so I'm kicking myself but it's really annoying; the windscreen therefore needs replacing (with £75 excess) which they can do after 1pm tomorrow, meaning I'm going into London for a 9.30am meeting, coming back at 11am and then working from home for some of the day; I've still got the cold that left me house-ridden for a week after Christmas (I now share an office in the interests of space saving and I didn't want to inflect my staff); the i-pad (his i-pad) and my phone don't let me update my blog so I'm not getting stuff down as often as I'd like; and I'm really, really struggling with the house-sharing thing at the moment.

I think all of the above is making me grumpy but it's the latter than is really killing me.  We hosted the 18th birthday party for v nice man's eldest who lives with us - which in the grand scheme of went very well, she wanted her dad's band to play in the front room so we were allowed to be there, which kept my mind at rest.  Just two lots of vomitting on the floor (both on tiles so easy to clean), a couple of spilled drinks (again in areas easy to clean) and one couple we threw out of a spare bedroom for ....... well you can guess (they were relatively respectable at the time).  But it took ages to prepare for, putting away breakables and the nice alcohol (my malt whisky, nice red wine) and even longer to clear up from.  But hey, they are only 18 once right and her mum had been flaky as usual and she'll appreciate what you do right ......

So last week she says to her dad that she's feeling a bit unhappy at home because she feels she's getting nagged all the time to do things.  [Please note, she told us originally that she doesn't notice stuff sometimes - which is v true - so we should ask for help if we want it.]  And we don't cook food she likes.  [This child doesn't like: raw peppers, potatoes in any form other than chips or mash, green beans, Thai curry - a new one, roast dinner.]  And she is feeling miserable. 

Me, I'm feeling something like the little red hen, as my dad would say to us occasionally when we were growing up.  Between my v nice man and I, we have strengths and weaknesses.  I freely admit that I am not tidy by nature.  I'm trying really hard to be because I like the house better when it's tidy but it does involve effort.  I'm good at keeping the place clean - even when my own house was messy, it was clean.  He's not so much with the cleannig but he will load the dishwasher every evening and tidy up and he's excellent about doing washing and even does my ironing (my v v small amount of ironing, I buy non-iron where I can).  So I can live with cleaning more because he does other things.  But the teenager does but does v little, bordering on nothing.  And I could live with occasionally prodding her to get things moving.  But now apparently that's taboo.

Actually that's an exaggeration.  This is not going to stay like that.  He has had a word with her already and will come down harder if needed because this one annoys him as much as me.  But today, right now, whilst I'm in my grumpy mood, I've just got home to plates on the side, dishwasher full after last night, shoes in the hallway (which are now on her bed, because that's where everything goes for her to deal with) and I'm looking forward to pasta for dinner which isn't my favourite but is just about all she'll eat. 

And breathe.  And it'll all be already soon.  But right now, Mrs Grumpy Pants is going to have a large glass of red and do things that I want to do......

Happy New Year - and goodbye 2012

Happy new year all.  Hope you had a good 2012.  2012 certainly moved my life on in leaps and bounds.  I went from living on my own and doing what I wanted, albeit in a happy relationship where I did consider my other half, to living with not just my very lovely man and also his 17 yo daughter.  I don't think that I've fully settled in to what that means yet - we're all still being polite to each other and we've still got some boxes to unpack so I think that there'll be more from that to come.  I've moved into a job I really enjoy after a couple of years of doing a job I could do standing on my head but that gave me no enjoyment in a place that was not motivating or even happy.  I had some lovely times with friends and some lovely holidays, capped by El Salvador in early November (El Sunzal is a beach and a break on the Pacific coast, to answer your question Lesley!)

I'm looking forward to 2013 but there is some trepidation too.  I've got a busy January ahead already looking at my diary and so I'm conscious that I should not overstretch or exhaust myself (I seem to have picked up a post-Christmas cough which I'm hating already).  I want more trips and travel - well I always want more holidays - and I'm thinking about where I want to go carefully to make the most of my leave.  There are things I want to do with the house - starting off with my unpacking the final 4 or 5 boxes in the office/music room (sounds much more glamorous that it is - it's the not quite converted garage which is another job I'd like to take on and do properly).  

That's a good start yes?!

Christmas has been quiet and very fun.  We had faux Christmas when 2 of the 3 kids came to stay with my very nice man (I'm not going to dwell on why it was only two and what the evil ex did to ensure that one didn't come, which really, really upset my very nice man and was truly horrid at Christmastime).  And then the kids were dropped at/near their mother's on 23 December and we were on our own until 27 December.  We dropped in on friends at their open house evening on Christmas Eve but otherwise didn't go anywhere and more importantly we didn't drive very far which gave both of us a welcome break.  The weather was quite hit and miss but we had a fab walk on Sunday 30 December with friends which made me feel virtuous and also made me think "we should do this more often" - as I always do when we get out.  But that should be a resolution of sorts (I don't really do resolutions).

I am going to spend more quality time with my friends this year.  More time would be good but making it good quality so that we get time to talk in the way we used to.  Years go past so quickly and at the end of the year, I can sometimes think I've wasted time with people who I don't really want to see and have not seen those I really care about.  Try harder next year.

And blog more!  I enjoy it and I've been pants for the last few months.  There's one to hold me to account for!!

Stolen quiz

I stole this from Lesley (and I'd link to her if I had the capability!)  I had to think about this far more than it might seem.  It's been a great, if not sometimes a bit of a mad, year.  I'm looking forward to the rest of the holiday season, it's been a busy year and it's nice to have the time to just sit and reflect.

1. What was your greatest personal accomplishment in 2012? 
I feel really good about myself and my life at the end of 2012.  I feel happy, I feel healthy, I enjoy my work and I like being me.  There are things I want to change, of course, I mean who's ever truly, truly content!  But I don't feel unhappy about the fundamental things that make me "me".

2. What’s the best thing your did for your health? 
Um, possibly went on holiday a couple of times and had a break.  

3. Share one thing that caused a significant change in your life this year.
Moving house, very quickly and somewhat unexpectedly (in that, I was involved in the whole thing of course, but I didn't think that we would do it all so quickly).

4. List a few things that you experienced for the first time at some point over the last twelve months
Long-haul travel with my very nice man.  He loved being there, but didn't like getting there.  

5. What was the coolest place you visited? 
El Sunzal in El Salvador

6. If you could change one thing about the last year what would it be? 
I wish that my very nice man hadn't got stressed about stuff - mainly the big D word and his kids (who alternate between being fantastic and complete s**ts!)

7. What is the best meal you ate this year?
Nothing stands out for being a really excellent meal.  But I'm going to a friends on Christmas Eve for tamales and expect that to be fab because she's a wonderful cook.

8. Tell us about a new friend you made. 
I don't think I've made new friends, but I've got a lot closer to some friends who I'd have previously called "acquaintances".  I've had some nice times with friends and long may that continue.

9. What did you hope to accomplish this year that you did not? 
I want to be tidier and better organised and I'd like my photos to be in albums (the rest of them, I've done a few) but am generally happy with where I ended up.

10. Share something you learned in 2012.  
You can't do things for other people.  In that, you can of course help other people and be nice to them.  But you can't do things for other people.  You can try to help them see and understand things but you can't do it for them.

11. Share an odd and unexpected thing that you experienced this year. 
I need to do some more thinking on this one!

12. How do you think 2013 will differ from 2012? 
2013 will just continue to get better and better.  I'm more content than I've been for a long time and I just want to keep feeling this way.  And why wouldn't I?

Hello from holidays

It's been a mad few weeks and I'm away recovering. Since the end of August, we have: 

• decided we would like to move in together some time soon;
• had an offer accepted on a house before I'd even considered getting my place ready to go on the market;
• got my place valued, signed up with an estate agent and had the board put up the same day I had four families of friends coming over (some staying) for my birthday;
• got the mortgage approved and got a new bank account;
• got very cross with lots of people and told them if my move hadn't happened before I went went on holiday, it was is airing a fortnight until we got back;
• completed the process and got the keys very quickly after aforementioned cross-ness, such that I had to transfer chunks of money to the solicitor over the weekend before because I couldn't get to a bank and couldn't transfer enough at one go otherwise;
• moved in dribs and drabs, culminating with a van and three men who couldn't get the piano downstairs without reinforcements;
• accepted an offer on my place; and
• come away on holiday to my sort of place, dragging the very nice man with me but being concerned that he might not really enjoy. 

So on return we have to get him moved and ....... well and then I don't know.  Make it to Christmas?! I'm really loving the new place and looking forward to it being ours. By which I mean getting extra bits of furniture and choosing pictures. The holiday has on the whole gone well, although I did nearly kill him yesterday on a 8km walk with 500m decent then ascent when he had a dodgy tummy and it was hot. But we are watching the sunset tonight, with a beer and feeling very happy to have had such a good year this year.  We both deserve it. 

Proper post on the other side - home soon. 

From a crawl to a gallop

Very quickly, how, how, how, does it take WEEKS and WEEKS with nothing happening and then does it all just go mad when buying a house?  We got the offer accepted at the end of August and nothing appeared to happen at all, including with me occasionally calling the solicitor to ask where things were.  And suddenly, we're completing on Friday.  If I was young enough it was definitely be a moment for OMG.

There are boxes, despite me having decided to pay packers (for an extra £200 when so much money has passed through my bank account it's scary), bags for charity, bags for recycling, piles of "stuff" I just don't know what to do with ......

And I've got to leave for work at half 6 tomorrow so I'm going to bed.  Will report in when I've got a moment to breathe (oh but keep fingers crossed for the second viewing I have tomorrow when they might just want to buy my house??)

To cheer myself up

A post to cheer myself up.  I've had a dodgy stomach, which is very unusual for me as I'm usually proud of my iron-like insides.  I felt a bit rough on Monday but soldiered into work - and the biggest problem of the hour-and-a-half commute is that it's a long way to get back home if you don't feel good.  And I didn't feel good.  Throwing up in the loo at work is not a glamorous moment!  I've done it once or twice when I was younger and more foolish but this was not for alcohol-induced reasons - nor am I pregnant, before yet someone else asks (four to date!!)

The last few weeks have been whirlwind on some fronts - thinking that we've got a house and that we're moving in together really soon and also life has been pretty busy - but not so whirlwind in that solicitors are not moving very quickly and so I've not got any dates to work to.  Which means that it will all happy really quickly at some point soon but until then, I'm trying to sort out papers and bin things that I don't need.  I'm not very good at that part - see earlier posts - and not having a deadline to work to isn't helping.

But other nice things have happened.  We had a weekend in Paris where we were incredibly lucky with the weather.  I had a Eurostar voucher as a present which nearly amounted to one ticket so we got hotel and one more ticket and had a nice weekend.  We walked lots and were surprised how many tourists there still were around - I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised as London continues to be a nightmare, but it's different when you are the tourist! 

Back to the grindstone - some sorting out to do before dinner .......

How quickly things can change

It's funny how quickly the world can change.  So, I've (nearly) bought a new house, I've put mine on the market and I'm moving in with my very lovely man .... and his 17 yo daughter!  Bet you didn't see that coming.

After the week in Cornwall, we went to Mallorca for 5 days.  The 17 yo wanted to go away with us (and her boyfriend too).  It seemed quite odd although as her mother booked a holiday to take the other two kids away without even telling her it was happening (she read on a siblings FB page) let alone even inviting her, I guess she wanted to feel wanted by her dad.  Which was ok as far as it goes but she/they didn't really need us there.  I don't lie in the sun, I like being away to see things and also to sit and relax (in the shade!) with a book.  We could get a bus to Palma, which is a beautiful city and we strolled around and took lots of photos.  But the resort was hideous - the worst of Brits abroad everywhere.  I know I'm something of a snob and turn my nose up at the bare-chested men with a large collection of tattoos and I was expecting all that (we took the cheapest break we could because the kids were paying for themselves) but there were drunks falling down in the street in the mid afternoon and there was nowhere to eat that offered Spanish food.  We found one bar run by Italians that was right on the beach and whilst the menu wasn't out of the ordinary, they put on specials each night based on what they had in that day.  So we got seafood and salads and much more.

Anyway, before we went away, I'd noted that one of my neighbour's houses was for sale.  We'd talked a little bit about moving in together after the divorce and to distract me from being annoyed about the ex being difficult at every turn, I thought I'd at least look around to see what there was.  I live really near the station to commute to London which is really important because I don't want to add an additional bus or car journey to each end of what's already a long day.  And we'd agreed years ago that he wouldn't move into my house because it has been my house for the best part of a decade before we got together so it wouldn't be fair on either of us.  Anyhow, by the time we got back from holiday, the house price had been dropped a reasonable way.  And when we talked about it, he said "well we could look" ......

How lethal is that!  It was perfect.  Near to the station, bedrooms for each of the kids (even the one who never visits - there'll be a sofa bed in that room!), open plan downstairs, which is what we wanted ...... So I did the sums and got the bank to agree finance even without selling mine, made an offer and it's mine (subject to the vendor's solicitors pulling their fingers out and doing things).  My plans of slowly sorting through things I don't need here have become frantically quicker.  Until I get quotes in from movers (why is it impossible to work out how much it costs - even ballpark), I can't work out whether I'm going to do it myself or pay someone else.  If it's the former, I've got a lot of work to do just to get rid of things I really don't need and pack what I do have.  It's a scary prospect. 

On the D-word front, it's ticking away slowly. My lovely man is working away this week.  He's sent her the final papers to sign so if she's done so, he can file for decree absolute fairly shortly.  So we're keeping quiet about the house (as quiet as one can about a properly that's advertised in the paper).  It doesn't mean she loses anything she's entitled to - indeed, in my humble opinion, she's already getting far more than she would be entitled to! - but we don't want to give her an excuse not to do things.  She doesn't need any help with that at all.

So welcome to the madness of my world.  I'm very much looking forward to it - but am quite scared too.  Big steps!!

Where have I been ......

Where have I been?  Literally, I've been to Cornwall last week and to a wedding the week before and when at home, I've not been at home very much.  Metaphorically, I've been all over the place.  Starting with the positive, my very lovely man has a decree nici.  Just a few weeks and a financial order to the decree absolute.  Stress on that front has plumeted some way but the ex (who I can finally really call the ex!) still messes him around at every opportunity.  And he doesn't do much to argue with this.  Whilst I know it's his choice how he deals with her, it does impact on me and also this is the best time for him to make his points because he's going to give her an outrageous amount of money to finalise the divorce - he has a hold over her right now.  In future, it'll be even harder.

As you can see, the positive is only mindly positive.  What I'm really struggling with is the feeling that I'm never at home and constantly everywhere other than here.  The new job is really excellent - I'm loving it.  This is a good place to be for the first time in a few years and that's great.  The system we have is that we each get in early one day and late one evening.  So there's one evening when I'm barely home and one when I want to get to bed early to get up at an un Godly hour.  Which is all ok in itself.  But my lovely man's daughter is now living with him, albeit 17 years old but she gets driven to school each day because he no longer lives in the catchment area.  So when I'm not going to bed early or home quite late, I'm at his to be able to see him.  Which means when I'm not at home asleep, I'm at his place.  I want to spend time with him and I love doing it - we get on very well, no rows, always lots to say to each other - but I really feel like I'm all over the place all the time.  Add in the fact that all our plans are aways changed by the ex changing her - and by extension his - plans.  Things feel mad.

So there's just no time to sit let alone sit and blog.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel but it's a way away.  We are thinking about moving in together - yes I know this is obvious for others but has taken a while because of the scars left by the ex.  And it's all worked very well with us both being in our own places.  Until his daughter moved in - who's fine, not at all a problem, is nice, polite etc but the added responsibility is telling.  After a week in sunny Spain (with the 17 year old and her boyfriend - my first shout being "how much do holidays cost in school holidays??"), I've got something of a quiet summer ahead, lots of working from home and hopefully the space around the edges (when I've saved 3 hours a day commuting) to get my house in the state I want it, and then in a state to sell it.  Or something like that.  Things will be easier soon, I hope.

How is life so tiring?

It's been ages between postings again and it's hard to say why.  I'm so so tired all the time at the moment, not because I'm not sleeping and not really because I'm doing excessive amounts.  It's not just me, my very nice man is suffering much more - his we can definitely put down to stress.  D-word continues to be a pain and then some.  And also the messing things around.  From nowhere a text yesterday saying she'd forgotten that 12 yr old son is away on an activity next Sunday (his weekend at his dad's) so he'll need to be brought home un-Godly early on Sunday morning.  Oh but he can come over on Friday night - but after lots of problems with Friday night and Saturday morning activities, weekends have been changed to run Sat - Mon rather than Fri - Sun ....... but that's got to change again.  Hopefully he's going to put his foot down, I do wish he would because he gets walked all over.  But his logic is that she'll take it out on the kids if she's angry (not physically I hasten to add, just being in a bad mood) and she'll also bad mouth him again - all of which is probably true but so not fair.


So that's a first para and a half - maybe I'm a bit more stressed with it all than I think I am.  There are lots of nice things going on too.  The new job is going well, I'm enjoying it and those above are pleased with what I'm doing so that's all good.  The nice weather always makes the world feel better.  I do get overheated quite easily but I'd still rather than the sun were shining than a cooler rainy day.  This weekend we went to see some friends who are getting married in a couple of months and my v nice man is taking the photos.  So we went to the venue to get some ideas.  He's a bit worried about this being his first wedding shoot (he's taken lots of good photos at weddings but he's never been in charge before and he's worried about not getting a good set of photos - which is just silly because he takes excellent photos and it'll be great).  I booked train tickets to go to the Edinburgh festival in August.  It was an extra £30 to go First Class but I've decided that I deserve it (I'm staying with a friend so it's not like there are high accommodation costs).  We're also planning to go to Paris for a weekend - my very sweet team gave me a voucher for the Eurostar for my leaving present so we're going exploit it.  I've been to Paris twice - although we don't really count the first time, end of Inter Railing trip so it was August Bank Holiday weekend which was not a good start but we also saw our visit coincide with the Pope and it meant there were an extra half a million people at a Catholic Youth Convention as well as those who'd come to see him!  The second time was really nice when I met a friend who was working in Brussels there and I'm hoping for a similar feel.  We've found a weekend in September so fingers crossed for nice weather and not too many people.  


But before that, it feels like I need to get my hammock out again and enjoy evenings in it in the garden - I know life's too short to get stressed so I need to behave like that too!

Rainy May Day

Rainy every day right at the moment.  I don't have unrealistic expectations for British weather, I don't think, but really it's being very silly right now.  I have been very wet very many time in the last weeks and it's also causing trouble with everything from floods to train delays.

The new job is going well, I'm enjoying being somewhere new and whilst it's not perfect and there are some problems there, these are new problems and at the moment, these don't feel like my problems.  Things will change, they always do, but it's nice to be somewhere that has a better feel and somewhere where I feel I can add value and do something worthwhile.

Otherwise, my head is all over the place.  I'm back to working 5 days a week so I'm tired and I'm also not into the right swing of things yet - I was used to doing 5 days in 4, which meant 4 long days, and I'm not yet into the swing of working 5 sensible length days, which isn't helping me.  On top of that, the newness means my brain has a lot more to think about.  But I am being more scatty than I should be and in a really bad way.  I've been forgetting people I've met in my new job - this is not good and indeed embarassing as I'm usually so good with people and faces.  I've also lost my rail ticket twice in six weeks (never previously in 13 years) and with 5 months left to run, it was an expensive loss.  I did some serious grovelling, made many phone calls and fortunately by the rail company not understanding its own procedures, I was offered a further replacement and apology for being messed around.  And I was told that under no circumstances would I get another one in the next 12 months, including in fire or theft.  That has been quite stressful and I'm so relieved it's over. 

But I don't know why I'm in quite the state I am.  I'm doing anything that I haven't done myself before - work long hours, take on new things at work, be tired ...... but it's taking its toll.  Maybe I'm old now!  But I hope not, as I hope I have a way to go and if I keep getting more scatty each year, I'll have lost my mind before I get into my forties.

Divorce rumblings on - which can't help my state of mind either.  Somehow she seems to get everything in a position of needing to make a mad, difficult decision very quickly, can't understand why it isn't sorted out, and then comes back saying that it can't happen any more and there's something else to be decided.  My very nice man is tearing his hair out and gets very, very upset about it all - which breaks my heart because I can do nothing about that. 

Looking forward, I'm counting the days until the Olympics - and going on holiday to avoid the transport chaos in London. I can't wait until I have a few days off to regain my mind.  Some of it is hopefully still salvageable! 

Where've I been .....

It's been ages, I again curse that I can't write posts on my phone.  I can read blogs and I can write the TITLE of a post, but not the text.  Why??

We had a couple of days in the Lake District just before Easter.  It was my first visit to the Lakes - my excuse had always been that it was such a long way away.  It is still such a long way away but it was really beautiful.  We had all the seasons in a week, as the cliches claim is possible, with glorious sunshine, rain and snow all in the space of a few days.  We were on a photography workshop - I'd bought as a present for my very nice man (birthday and Christmas and should probably have been another event too as it wasn't cheap!) but it great for him and I found it fun too and managed to learn some stuff which was good.  However, my camera did die on the last day (screen on the back, which means I've lost most of the menus as well as the playback) and I've had a quote back for over £180 to fix it which is painful but necessary because I can't do without it.  Ouch ouch ouch.

It was, however, another holiday when we brought the divorce baggage.  His ex rang whilst away insisting that he agreed to giving her a pretty outrageous amount of money on top of everything else (the house, child support and most other things), and wanted a decision in a very short space of time.  He's not been well and the doctor said it seems like stress - pushing up his blood pressure, he's had viruses that he can't shake and sleeps badly.  It's so horrible to watch.  This still hasn't been resolved yet, and the saga continues.  He wants it's over.  And so do I.  Why does she have to be so spiteful?

It was nice to have time off generally.  Things have been so busy this year and have been so busy since I started my new job.  It's all got a feeling of "new" about it.  I don't understand a lot about the place because despite it still being the Civil Service, this department is very different and has lots of different procedures and a very different culture - but that's ok because a change is as good as a rest and I'm still feeling like an outside observer.  There will reach a point when it really annoys me, but by then I'll be at the end of my loan (in 2 years) and I'll move away.  The team seem good and I have good colleagues.  That's all great.  But I'm back doing five days a week and just one week of it (because the first week was just after Easter bank holiday), I'm shattered!!

Things to look forward to - there's a good amount of stuff going on.  There are holidays to look forward to later on in the year, a couple of weekends to see amateur theatre stuff, we had a really good fun night out for a quiz two weeks ago and our team came second, time to catch up with friends over dinner and coffees and much more.  But we just need to get past the d-word (there's a Tammy Wynette song going around in my head a lot).

Declutter needed - help!

I continue to enjoy my week off.  I've been exceptionally lucky to have chosen this week, or at least have this week chosen for me because it's between jobs time, and the weather has been glorious.  If I had any chose, I'd have booked this weather for next week as we're going to the Lake District for a photography holiday and I could do without rain.  Extrordinarily, I've never made it to the Lakes before - when I was a child, we headed towards Devon and Cornwall as it was nearer to S Wales and when I lived in Manchester, I was terribly remiss and didn't go out into the Peaks often enough at all and didn't get to the Lakes either.  However, we're going to go out for nice walks and learn how to use cameras better too. 

Before then, I've got more work to do on the decluttering my house.  Now before I go much further, I have to stress that it couldn't feature on any kind of dubious Channel 5 show but I'm just poor at throwing things out if they are in anyway useful.  I blame my parents and the post WWII values of being thrifty.  I also know I'm too sentimental and just need to get rid of stuff.  And very risk averse, so don't want to get rid of things that I might need in the future.  At some point in the future.  Some time. 

But it's really hard.  Both to motivate myself to keep going, there seems very little reward at the moment.  And also to do the hard things.  It's easy just to put it back again and move on.  The reward would be to move in with my very nice man - which is not contingent on my decluttering, he's still not divorced, she's still being difficult etc etc, but I know he doesn't like my place because it's somewhat cluttered.

And here I am procrastinating.  I will continue working on this.  Deep breath and off we go .......

Sitting here in the sunshine ....

I'm sitting in the back garden, in the shade, and marvelling that it's March and we're able to do this.  I'm really realy hoping that this doesn't jinx all good weather for the rest of the year.  Particularly because I've agreed to go to Cornwall for a week in July which can either be fantastic or dull if the weather isn't the best.  Fortunately it's to stay with a friend but still, I want sunshine for that week too.

I'm having a week at home because when I start my new job - despite transferring from one department to another - my leave is going to be messed up.  I have to move to the new leave year there which leaves me with holiday to use up before I start but then not enough to last for the rest of this (calendar) year because I have plans for holidays later on in the year and when you take these into account, I have 1 day to cover all eventualities between start day and 31 December - including anything other than bank holidays over Christmas.  Maybe it is my own fault for having too many holiday plans but it's not excessive - just two 2-week trips - nor does it involve carrying days over at all. 

I'm very much enjoying my inflicted week off now.  WIth this beautiful weather, I could very easily not do everything that I want to do, which includes some much needed spring cleaning.  I've cleaned and tidied the living room today, which is a start.  I just need to keep going in the same vein.  I almost brought my hammock out into the garden today but I realised that that would be fatal in terms of getting things done, so am saving that for later on in the week, as apparently it's going to be nice for days to come.

The last few weeks have been hectic, trying to finish off work in the current post, and also playing the piano for a pantomime locally.  Yes, we are a little behind the times, with most pantomimes finishing off at Christmas time.  A local drama group writes its own scripts and has a very loyal following from the local community and it's really fun to be involved with.  The group are very grateful for my help - which is minimal, as I pop up once a week and knock a few keys and help them to sing vaguely in time and in tune.  It's nice to be liked and respected by them but mostly, it is all very good fun, with everyone pulling together and enjoying themselves at the same time.

Divorce trundles along slowly.  Latest joke is that she's said she needs some additional financial help in the short term until she can pick up more hours in work which have been promised in a few months time - sounds almost reasonable until you realise that she's just booked a holiday to Turkey for her and two of the kids in the summer.  Because that's an essential!! (Grumble, grumble).  Just keeping my cool and hoping that it truly won't last too much longer.