Thursday 11 August 2011

Someone else's children

So, I'm in a relationship with a married man - in that, he's still married and will get divorced eventually (honestly, they'd split almost a year before we even thought of getting together, the split had nothing to do with me).  And he has three kids, the youngest (11) is an absolutely sweetheart, he sees his dad every other weekend, as per agreement and because he really wants to spend time with his dad.  The middle one is now getting to be a bit challenging, playing one parent off against the other when one says no, you know what I mean.  And the oldest one (16 going on 26) is a pain and then some.  I bite my tongue repeatedly about how to bring up kids, I don't have any and don't really want them, for these and many other reasons.

And at times it drives me insane!  When they first split, he missed his kids dreadfully and every day he suffered knowing that he no longer got to see them every day.  We were only acquaintances at that time but I could see how much it all pained him.  The S2BX (soon to be ex) was pretty horrid, some things were deliberate, like telling one of the girls that her father never really wanted her any way, and some just inconsiderate, like not ensuring that they all went to his every fortnight, as per the agreement, so the older ones decided that being with their friends was more fun and of course they can always see Dad next time ….. and then next time there's something else to do.

So he's decided to be "available" for the kids when they want or need to get in touch with him and he goes out of his way to help.  Which – in my humble opinion – means that the older ones treat him incredibly badly, only asking for money or to be driven somewhere, or a combination of the both.  And he gets really upset about this because he sees what's happening but he doesn't say anything because he is grateful for every bit of contact that he gets and he doesn't want to lose them altogether.

And I bite my tongue, over and over and over again, until I have too much to drink and then say something.  Which usually just makes him upset, because he agrees with me but doesn't want to take the risk, and the conversation ends as a stalemate, no conclusion, no moving on.

It's so hard to watch someone you love being beaten up all the time, not literally obviously, but maybe that wouldn't be as painful.  I don't think anyone can give me any solutions to this one – it's just good to get it out because I don't talk about it much at home, for all the reasons above.  Life's not simple is it?!