I had a post called "nearly Christmas" that I've now binned because I'd not had time to sit and just put down everything I wanted in a coherrent manner and now it's New Year's Eve Eve! My life seems to fly by faster as I get older and, frankly, I don't like it! I didn't really ever feel old enough to turn 30 and I'm now nearer 40 than 30, and I really, really don't feel old enough to be there.
On more pleasant note, Christmas was lovely, really, really lovely. My very nice man and I had been to see my parents the weekend before - always stressful, my sister more than my parents, she operates on the reverse Gallileo principle (of the opinion that the world revolves around her). I finished work on 22 December and then, after battling with Tesco's, we shut ourselves away for a few days. We cuddled on the sofa, we watched tv, listened to music, sung carols around the piano and had a blissfully quiet time. The year flying by has certainly taken its toll in the last few months and there were early nights and long sleeps which helped both of us.
This didn't all last very long as he then had his kids for Christmas Mark II from 27-29 December. I was invited to "Christmas Day", quite a big deal as I've not been along before, and indeed hadn't even met one of his daughters. In my humble opinion (which isn't expressed very often, unless I've had a few vinos), he takes a LOT from his ex and this results in many things that don't make his life easy, including never having his kids at Christmas but now always having responsibility at New Year so we can't go out! The day was nice, dinner for 9 is always challenging (3 kids, 1 cousin, 1 boyfriend and 2 grandparents as well as the two of us) but we all managed to bumble along together.
And now it's the weird in between time. I took the whole period off work - I wanted a break from the miserable-ness of the public sector, with constant difficulty about spending money and even keeping our jobs. I need to make a good list of resolutions to sort out a few things in my life - from the mess that is the spare room, to changing my bank account (my bank and I have fallen out over the last year), through to sorting out work, what I want to do and how I can be happier with it. Well, it's nice to have ideas like that! Let's go get the pad of paper out.
Friday 30 December 2011
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Nearly back on time and then ......
So I mainly floated through last week, floundering from one day to the next and feeling really rather tired. On Thursday evening, I went to see Chris Addison at a comedy gig. He was really excellent, amusing himself as much as everyone else it seemed, and enjoying making "middle class" jokes about Waitrose and hummous. Getting there was a tad stressful as the trains were up the creek again, and I made it with just 5 mins to spare. You really don't want to walk in late to a comedy gig late.
Friday morning, I was dropped home by my v nice man as I'd stopped at his the night before. And although it was half 8, I felt I could snooze for a little while and listen to the radio. And after accepting two calls from work (I don't work on Fridays but had told some of my staff to get in touch about particular issues), I went back to sleep ..... until 2pm. It proves that I really was tired when I say that I had no trouble getting back to sleep that night. Bed by half 9!
It's been a funny couple of weeks. Just before my holiday, my v nice man's eldest daughter (16 going on 26) decided that she was going to come and live with him in the week. Now to date when he's had the kids around, I've stayed out of the way. Not that I've got anything against them (we'll get on to them having something against me ....) but when it was their weekend to spend with their dad, I felt quite strongly that they didn't need to have me around, it was parent-child time. However, her moving in was going to be quite different. She is a nice kid, when she wants to be. She can be fantastic but she can be a real pain and it really depends on her mood and thoughts. Initially, when we got together, she was almost encouraging her dad to move on. When he did, she decided that I was the devil incarnate - not helped by the fact that her mother has decided that he and I were having an affair for years before we got together (not true - and indeed impossible as I didn't know him well at all and indeed was travelling for almost 8 months, which would have made things logistically very difficult!).
She stayed over for the first week before I went away. And to date it's all ok. It's meant a bit of re-thinking because whereas before, we had no routine about where we stayed or even when we had an evening together and when not, suddnenly routine has been inflicted upon us. He has to be at home Sun-Wed/Thu evenings when she's there and it makes things less flexible. But we've actually had some fun times too, just banter over dinner or when she sang along with some of the songs at our band rehearsal.
I'm going to see a consultant on Friday about headaches and to give me something to talk about, I've had a really painful one for the last two days - confining me to bed painful. I don't really get migraines, but my headaches are getting worse. I went to the doctor's which was pretty useless and included the sentence "what are you hoping to get out of this consultation" when I went back for a second opinion. I know that headaches aren't easy to diagnose, I know that it might be nothing but when it came on from nowhere and these are different headaches that are lingering, I think it's right to ask questions.
So I'm lying in bed typing, feeling a little guilty for not being in bed now although it was not good this morning and I really would have struggled to get in to London. There's a lot going on and people are not doing things I want them to do whilst I'm not in the office but I can't worry about that right now, I'll start that worry tomorrow.
Friday morning, I was dropped home by my v nice man as I'd stopped at his the night before. And although it was half 8, I felt I could snooze for a little while and listen to the radio. And after accepting two calls from work (I don't work on Fridays but had told some of my staff to get in touch about particular issues), I went back to sleep ..... until 2pm. It proves that I really was tired when I say that I had no trouble getting back to sleep that night. Bed by half 9!
It's been a funny couple of weeks. Just before my holiday, my v nice man's eldest daughter (16 going on 26) decided that she was going to come and live with him in the week. Now to date when he's had the kids around, I've stayed out of the way. Not that I've got anything against them (we'll get on to them having something against me ....) but when it was their weekend to spend with their dad, I felt quite strongly that they didn't need to have me around, it was parent-child time. However, her moving in was going to be quite different. She is a nice kid, when she wants to be. She can be fantastic but she can be a real pain and it really depends on her mood and thoughts. Initially, when we got together, she was almost encouraging her dad to move on. When he did, she decided that I was the devil incarnate - not helped by the fact that her mother has decided that he and I were having an affair for years before we got together (not true - and indeed impossible as I didn't know him well at all and indeed was travelling for almost 8 months, which would have made things logistically very difficult!).
She stayed over for the first week before I went away. And to date it's all ok. It's meant a bit of re-thinking because whereas before, we had no routine about where we stayed or even when we had an evening together and when not, suddnenly routine has been inflicted upon us. He has to be at home Sun-Wed/Thu evenings when she's there and it makes things less flexible. But we've actually had some fun times too, just banter over dinner or when she sang along with some of the songs at our band rehearsal.
I'm going to see a consultant on Friday about headaches and to give me something to talk about, I've had a really painful one for the last two days - confining me to bed painful. I don't really get migraines, but my headaches are getting worse. I went to the doctor's which was pretty useless and included the sentence "what are you hoping to get out of this consultation" when I went back for a second opinion. I know that headaches aren't easy to diagnose, I know that it might be nothing but when it came on from nowhere and these are different headaches that are lingering, I think it's right to ask questions.
So I'm lying in bed typing, feeling a little guilty for not being in bed now although it was not good this morning and I really would have struggled to get in to London. There's a lot going on and people are not doing things I want them to do whilst I'm not in the office but I can't worry about that right now, I'll start that worry tomorrow.
Sunday 4 December 2011
Body in the UK, head on another time zone!
Been a really bad blogger - although, I'm still blaming HTC partly because I can't get my phone to write blog posts ...... I can read other people's stuff and comment but can't do anything with my own blog whilst away.
So, I've had two crazy weeks in SE Asia. Absolutely intriguing place and a fantastic holiday - non stop for two weeks, a group trip with 13 other people I'd never met before. It started a little shakily as the tour company first rearranged the trip because of the floods in Bangkok and then a couple of days before it was all rearranged back. Not a problem at all for me but it did end up being a bit of an issue for some of the others who didn't get told - in particular, a couple who'd got married in Thailand (changing a lot of their plans because of the FCO advice not to travel) and who were not told, emailed, called and spent over 6 hours waiting for the rest of the group at Bangkok airport.
But once we got underway, it was fantastic. We had some brilliant local guides, all of whom were very keen to share everything about their countries with us and some of whom had had incredible experiences - including a guy who'd be in the Cambodian army towards the end of Pol Pot's time and another whose father and uncle had lived in the Cu Chi tunnels outside Saigon, frustrating the American soldiers. When you hear the stories and see them still smiling, it really hits home how lucky you are.
Were I as technically capable as Lesley, I'd put some photos on here, but at the moment they are very slowly being put on to Facebook and Flickr. I took over 1200 - lots to be deleted when I see them on a decent-sized screen but that still takes time, as well as processing and converting (I went sophisticated and bought myself a digital SLR which is great but the photos do involve some faffing about).
The rest of the group was one of the best I've ever travelled with. There was no one who immediately felt like my best friend but everyone was nice and there was no one that anyone wanted to avoid at dinner or on day trips out. One couple were really really lovely and I hope we do stay in touch. They've continued on for a few weeks (until early January) and I'm looking forward to following the trip.
There's lots more I could dwell on, but I'm still awake at 7pm after not being in bed since Friday night/Saturday morning (equivalent to 1am Saturday GMT) and I'm slowly fading. So will come back to you with everything else in my mind.
Saturday 5 November 2011
Counting the days .....
I'm counting the days until my holiday. Two weeks today I'll be on a flight to Bangkok, which will take a full day by the time I've changed and have lost the time difference. I've booked myself on to a trip from Bangkok to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) overland, just two weeks but the weather should be good (yes, I've seen the notice of flooding) and I'll be somewhere interesting that I've never been before.
However, I think that I'm counting the days because I'm not really enjoying work at the moment. We've been going through the same public sector grief as everyone else and that's not pleasant, but my real frustrations at the moment come with my boss and colleagues not engaging and not making time for the really important job of putting people into posts and then managing them - we don't have great staff but we have to performance manage our staff in the right way.
I'm need to work out how to deal with work or what to do next instead. But right now, I'm enjoying the run up to my holiday - looking at what I can see from my raft of guidebooks and planning what to take and what to do. This will more than usefully occupy me for now and maybe when I'm relaxed, I can think about work.
However, I think that I'm counting the days because I'm not really enjoying work at the moment. We've been going through the same public sector grief as everyone else and that's not pleasant, but my real frustrations at the moment come with my boss and colleagues not engaging and not making time for the really important job of putting people into posts and then managing them - we don't have great staff but we have to performance manage our staff in the right way.
I'm need to work out how to deal with work or what to do next instead. But right now, I'm enjoying the run up to my holiday - looking at what I can see from my raft of guidebooks and planning what to take and what to do. This will more than usefully occupy me for now and maybe when I'm relaxed, I can think about work.
Thursday 3 November 2011
Being happy
I've just read Lesley's post which includes her worries about being happy and it made me mull over how my very nice man and I have spent some time discussing how odd it sometimes feels for us to be happy and contented. I think he spends more time being surprised about it than I do as his ex is/was not easy to be with and in hindsight he knows that he wasn't happy for a large proportion of his marriage.
We can be soppy - when he asks if I'm ok, my answer is usually "of course because I'm with you" and I really do mean it. And when he worries about how things are going to play with me, I have to remind him that I rarely get upset with him because it isn't in his nature to do things to upset me. (Worse fault I can think of is that he's a bit rubbish at planning which does wind me up as that's the worst I can say, I know I should hold on tight to him).
By constrast, I had to remind myself that in my previous relationship I was happy at times and it wasn't just in my head, he'd written me letters (when I lived abroad and email wasn't as easy to find) that said he was happy with me too. That didn't last and again with the 20:20 vision of hindsight, I know it wasn't right for a while but at the time I didn't want us to split up and I wanted to be with him.
The saddest thing that I struggle with is when I can see that friends aren't happy. Of course, you never see inside someone else's relationship entirely but when you feel that someone else seems to be unhappy more often than they are happy, and you hear about their woes, it's so very hard not to say "just leave him" or even more tactfully "are you sure you're doing the right thing". Because it would,of course,be the worst thing to do and would probably signal the end of the friendship.
But tonight I'm happy being happy and happy being me.
We can be soppy - when he asks if I'm ok, my answer is usually "of course because I'm with you" and I really do mean it. And when he worries about how things are going to play with me, I have to remind him that I rarely get upset with him because it isn't in his nature to do things to upset me. (Worse fault I can think of is that he's a bit rubbish at planning which does wind me up as that's the worst I can say, I know I should hold on tight to him).
By constrast, I had to remind myself that in my previous relationship I was happy at times and it wasn't just in my head, he'd written me letters (when I lived abroad and email wasn't as easy to find) that said he was happy with me too. That didn't last and again with the 20:20 vision of hindsight, I know it wasn't right for a while but at the time I didn't want us to split up and I wanted to be with him.
The saddest thing that I struggle with is when I can see that friends aren't happy. Of course, you never see inside someone else's relationship entirely but when you feel that someone else seems to be unhappy more often than they are happy, and you hear about their woes, it's so very hard not to say "just leave him" or even more tactfully "are you sure you're doing the right thing". Because it would,of course,be the worst thing to do and would probably signal the end of the friendship.
But tonight I'm happy being happy and happy being me.
Sunday 23 October 2011
Lazy Sunday (not different to Monday, Tuesday ....)
Just getting up on Sunday morning. Not quite worked out why the times are so screwed up on here but that makes it about 11am. I've been awake for a little while already but as I seemed to watch the clock tick from hour to hour last night, I only had about 4 hours sleep in total, which is most definitely not enough. Can't work out how or why that happened but there you are. I don't feel lousy on it, which is good news, unlike the last few days when I've been unable to shift a headache, no particular reason for having it, which was pretty irritating. The challenge will be to stay awake until bedtime tonight and not just go back to sleep for a nap. It feels nice but I always regret it come 3am when I'm still awake.
So I have few plans for today. Hoovering and dusting needs to feature, after I looked laying in bed this morning and spotted a rather large cobweb. Well I've known it was overdue so I can't complain about it but it's not my favourite weekend activity. Going to see a friend who has a fairly small child. Not sure how small "small" is - thinking about 3 months old? She's pretty practical so isn't going to be asking if I'd like to hold the baby just cos. I don't mind being practical but don't have the urge to be near babies just because they are there.
I'm mulling over what to do about a friend being a bit pants. There are two sides to this - one is not returning calls, emails and resulting in you chasing, which I get annoyed about but most people go through those phases, myself included, so normally you just have to weather the storm. The one that annoys me more is that he's being somewhat careless with stuff - he has the keys to my garage because I store his drum kit and some other stuff that a few of his share (we play in a band together - well used to play in a band together, a different irritant) and I'm feeling both a little put out that he's being careless and doing things like leaving stuff outside (I came home to the spares box - that isn't owned by either of us but by another mate, also with garage-storing privileges - sitting on my bins), losing stuff (my chair disappeared after he borrowed it, it reappeared after a while but I had to play two gigs without it, which was uncomfortable) and the one that REALLY gets me is coming around and accessing the garage when I'm home, without even ringing the doorbell to say hello. One day it will be a thief and I'm going to ignore the noise of the garage opening just as I assume it's him again.
He's absolutely terrible at confrontation - he avoids it in a way that often makes the situation worse, you've never seen anyone like it. So the couple of pointed comments I've made to date have done nothing. I don't see very much of him any more, so if I do say anything, I'm going to have to go around to see him, which isn't a great motivation to do it - I'm not keen on going to visit just to argue with someone.
I'm just leaving it still at the moment, just to see if it's me being extra picky or if it continues. I'm going to have to say something I know. Just what and when I'm not sure. Why can't life be easy?!
So I have few plans for today. Hoovering and dusting needs to feature, after I looked laying in bed this morning and spotted a rather large cobweb. Well I've known it was overdue so I can't complain about it but it's not my favourite weekend activity. Going to see a friend who has a fairly small child. Not sure how small "small" is - thinking about 3 months old? She's pretty practical so isn't going to be asking if I'd like to hold the baby just cos. I don't mind being practical but don't have the urge to be near babies just because they are there.
I'm mulling over what to do about a friend being a bit pants. There are two sides to this - one is not returning calls, emails and resulting in you chasing, which I get annoyed about but most people go through those phases, myself included, so normally you just have to weather the storm. The one that annoys me more is that he's being somewhat careless with stuff - he has the keys to my garage because I store his drum kit and some other stuff that a few of his share (we play in a band together - well used to play in a band together, a different irritant) and I'm feeling both a little put out that he's being careless and doing things like leaving stuff outside (I came home to the spares box - that isn't owned by either of us but by another mate, also with garage-storing privileges - sitting on my bins), losing stuff (my chair disappeared after he borrowed it, it reappeared after a while but I had to play two gigs without it, which was uncomfortable) and the one that REALLY gets me is coming around and accessing the garage when I'm home, without even ringing the doorbell to say hello. One day it will be a thief and I'm going to ignore the noise of the garage opening just as I assume it's him again.
He's absolutely terrible at confrontation - he avoids it in a way that often makes the situation worse, you've never seen anyone like it. So the couple of pointed comments I've made to date have done nothing. I don't see very much of him any more, so if I do say anything, I'm going to have to go around to see him, which isn't a great motivation to do it - I'm not keen on going to visit just to argue with someone.
I'm just leaving it still at the moment, just to see if it's me being extra picky or if it continues. I'm going to have to say something I know. Just what and when I'm not sure. Why can't life be easy?!
Sunday 16 October 2011
Sunday evening, doing something other than what I'd planned to do
I'm sitting at home watching sad teen films. Well, a sad teen film with the plan of watching Spooks at 9pm. The plan had been to have a band rehearsal but between my very nice man being dragged away for work (Nice is nice when you can choose to go there but not when you've got to get there because there are no sensible flights tomorrow morning) and one of the other lasses has been called on to parent duty - child who's stressed about some work for next week and of course she had to step up.
I've been less than productive today. My man left around 11 this morning and I watched tv for a big, fell asleep on the sofa (what am I like) and haven't done much other than go to Tesco for some food shopping - oh and then tried to multi-task whilst making dinner which resulted in well done lamb steak, overcooked vegetables and the smoke detector going off.
The weekend was otherwise good fun. I met up with a friend on Friday - she's got 2 kids but is very practical with it and so we had a good chat. She has a cute 3 year old and a very well-behaved little one - really, 4 hours and not a wimper. Friday evening I was really tired so we didn't go out. And on Saturday we went for a 9 mile walk around a local reservoir - the weather was so beautiful, really warm and not a cloud in the sky. And in the evening we went to a 40th celebration - a gathering with good friends rather than a big party which was lovely. We spent a nice time chatting and laughing - I don't laugh enough I sometimes realise.
So back to work tomorrow, boo hiss. Last week wasn't too bad but it's still not fun. I'm hoping next week will continue to go well. Fingers crossed. Hope everyon else had a fun weekend.
I've been less than productive today. My man left around 11 this morning and I watched tv for a big, fell asleep on the sofa (what am I like) and haven't done much other than go to Tesco for some food shopping - oh and then tried to multi-task whilst making dinner which resulted in well done lamb steak, overcooked vegetables and the smoke detector going off.
The weekend was otherwise good fun. I met up with a friend on Friday - she's got 2 kids but is very practical with it and so we had a good chat. She has a cute 3 year old and a very well-behaved little one - really, 4 hours and not a wimper. Friday evening I was really tired so we didn't go out. And on Saturday we went for a 9 mile walk around a local reservoir - the weather was so beautiful, really warm and not a cloud in the sky. And in the evening we went to a 40th celebration - a gathering with good friends rather than a big party which was lovely. We spent a nice time chatting and laughing - I don't laugh enough I sometimes realise.
So back to work tomorrow, boo hiss. Last week wasn't too bad but it's still not fun. I'm hoping next week will continue to go well. Fingers crossed. Hope everyon else had a fun weekend.
Saturday 8 October 2011
Please world, stop picking on me .....
I'm feeling a bit battered and bruised today, quite literally because I've got a bruise on the back of my hand from nowhere and got a jab yesterday which means I have a very achy arm. But also metaphorically. I've moved from feeling very happy and positive to feeling like the world is out to get me this week - and I need to think my way through that so that next week is better.
Carrying on with the medical theme, I've been to the surgery twice this week, unheard of for me. Once to have a further doctor's appointment about the headache I've now had for the best part of four months. This was my third visit and involved the doctor asking "what do you want to get out of this" - I've had a headache for four months, as well as making it go away, I was hoping for some kind of explanation. It's not normal and not right - and therefore not fair. I'm being referred to a neurologist, not actually what I wanted, although I'm not sure what I was after. Until then, I'm taking daily tablets, not my preferred approach. My trip to the nurse on Friday was to get a typhoid jab, in preparation for my holiday - yay. But I was told that malaria tablets can only be by private prescription and that this costs £10 to get the Doctor to write a prescription before it works out at about £3 per tablet. I accept that I have to pay for the medication but £10 for the script is outrageous! It must be in the NHS's interest for me to take malaria tablets. I'm pretty left wing in my views and as a single woman with no children and a well-paid job, I accept that I pay more tax than I will ever get back from any services - indeed I more than accept that, I believe it is morally right. And I also am comfortable with means testing where appropriate. But £10 for a doctor to write a prescription - really?
I'm also feeling a bit picked on at work. We're restructuring which is difficult and we have to do a lot of paperwork and also ask our staff to apply for jobs and it's stressful for all. I've agreed to coordinate the process and I'm really disturbed by the views that some of my colleagues take of the process. They're not taking it seriously which is just outrageous - yes, we also have busy day jobs but we are leaders and managers and that has to be our first priority right now. But what I'm REALLY feeling sore about is that due to someone else's disorganisation, I had to come in on Friday for 1 hour to complete something that was scheduled for Thursday. I don't work on Fridays. Coming in for that one hour took me nearly 4 hours in travel time because trains are slower ourside morning and evening peaks. And the person whose fault it was didn't even acknowledge what I did - didn't even apologise for screwing up my week.
So after going to work on Friday, going to the doctors to get jabbed and stung for a prescription and finally getting rained on as I left the surgery - really heavy drops that get you wet very quickly - I felt really picked on by the time I got home.
I'm looking for a nice weekend. I'm starting with a blank canvas. I have no plans - I need to do some tidying up and cleaning at home, not fun but necessary and hopefully something from which I can get a sense of achievement (let's face it, the spare room is messy enough right now that if I can put all the washing away and do the filing, I will have achieved quite a great deal). Otherwise, I'm going to do nice things for me I think. Not sure what but something nice. Because the work stuff will continue and I'll need to have some resilience to get on with work next week.
Carrying on with the medical theme, I've been to the surgery twice this week, unheard of for me. Once to have a further doctor's appointment about the headache I've now had for the best part of four months. This was my third visit and involved the doctor asking "what do you want to get out of this" - I've had a headache for four months, as well as making it go away, I was hoping for some kind of explanation. It's not normal and not right - and therefore not fair. I'm being referred to a neurologist, not actually what I wanted, although I'm not sure what I was after. Until then, I'm taking daily tablets, not my preferred approach. My trip to the nurse on Friday was to get a typhoid jab, in preparation for my holiday - yay. But I was told that malaria tablets can only be by private prescription and that this costs £10 to get the Doctor to write a prescription before it works out at about £3 per tablet. I accept that I have to pay for the medication but £10 for the script is outrageous! It must be in the NHS's interest for me to take malaria tablets. I'm pretty left wing in my views and as a single woman with no children and a well-paid job, I accept that I pay more tax than I will ever get back from any services - indeed I more than accept that, I believe it is morally right. And I also am comfortable with means testing where appropriate. But £10 for a doctor to write a prescription - really?
I'm also feeling a bit picked on at work. We're restructuring which is difficult and we have to do a lot of paperwork and also ask our staff to apply for jobs and it's stressful for all. I've agreed to coordinate the process and I'm really disturbed by the views that some of my colleagues take of the process. They're not taking it seriously which is just outrageous - yes, we also have busy day jobs but we are leaders and managers and that has to be our first priority right now. But what I'm REALLY feeling sore about is that due to someone else's disorganisation, I had to come in on Friday for 1 hour to complete something that was scheduled for Thursday. I don't work on Fridays. Coming in for that one hour took me nearly 4 hours in travel time because trains are slower ourside morning and evening peaks. And the person whose fault it was didn't even acknowledge what I did - didn't even apologise for screwing up my week.
So after going to work on Friday, going to the doctors to get jabbed and stung for a prescription and finally getting rained on as I left the surgery - really heavy drops that get you wet very quickly - I felt really picked on by the time I got home.
I'm looking for a nice weekend. I'm starting with a blank canvas. I have no plans - I need to do some tidying up and cleaning at home, not fun but necessary and hopefully something from which I can get a sense of achievement (let's face it, the spare room is messy enough right now that if I can put all the washing away and do the filing, I will have achieved quite a great deal). Otherwise, I'm going to do nice things for me I think. Not sure what but something nice. Because the work stuff will continue and I'll need to have some resilience to get on with work next week.
Friday 30 September 2011
Thanking Crunchie that it's Friday
It's been a long week. For no real reason I guess. Monday the trains were PANTS - I got to the station and there was nothing running anywhere, and no information from anyone of course. I went away for an hour and had a drink and some dinner - even if they'd have announced a train, I wouldn't have got anywhere near it. And on return, I hung about for the 2023, which was cancelled at 2050, then sat on the 2123 (2107 disappeared without discussion), heard an announcement by the driver that it wasn't going anywhere until at least 2200 and then the station announcement said we should give up and go on a different line and have rail replacement buses. Left work at 1845, got home at 2325.
Tuesday, I went to some leaving drinks - for that infamous 1 drink - and didn't get home until midnight. Fortunately not too much alcohol consumed but have now reached the age when tiredness can make me feel just as crap as the hangover.
Wednesday, I was good and at home and in bed by 9pm after a (soft) drink with a friend and dinner. And Thursday, I was home by 2pm after my headache had got to unbearable and not quite to time to start vomitting but that wasn't something the rest of the office needed to see. Not really sure why that happened. So I'm having my usual Friday off, moving slowly, relaxing and trying to find a balance between getting things done and not making myself ill again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by photos from a trip to Russia in 2009. I've been trying to sort out the "stuff" that I have at home. I'm a hoarder - not anywhere as bad as any of those you see on the hideous Channel 5 shows, but I do keep lots of sentimental stuff - and I'm trying to sort out what I want to keep and what can go. And within what can be kept, how should it be kept. There's no point in drawers of ticket stubbs or programmes from the theatre. I'm putting things together - and getting rid of the things that I have more than one of and getting rid of the blurry photos that are never going to end up in albums. And right now, sticking photos into albums along with postcards, ticket stubbs, business cards and other bits and pieces that I brought back from far flung places.
Progress has been relatively slow - I had 8 months off a few years ago (2006-7) and those photos only got into albums last year. Last month I finished Syria 2008 and now it's 2009. There are still things from last Millennium and also from before early 2000s but I'm making progress and I'm proud of me for that. I'm not doing it for anyone else - friends are welcome to look at albums but no one ever really wants to look at all your holiday stuff in the way that you do. I enjoy looking through, smiling and laughing about what happened when and where, and I do use them for that.
Incredibly selfish - and incredibly important for me. So I'm getting back to it!
Tuesday, I went to some leaving drinks - for that infamous 1 drink - and didn't get home until midnight. Fortunately not too much alcohol consumed but have now reached the age when tiredness can make me feel just as crap as the hangover.
Wednesday, I was good and at home and in bed by 9pm after a (soft) drink with a friend and dinner. And Thursday, I was home by 2pm after my headache had got to unbearable and not quite to time to start vomitting but that wasn't something the rest of the office needed to see. Not really sure why that happened. So I'm having my usual Friday off, moving slowly, relaxing and trying to find a balance between getting things done and not making myself ill again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by photos from a trip to Russia in 2009. I've been trying to sort out the "stuff" that I have at home. I'm a hoarder - not anywhere as bad as any of those you see on the hideous Channel 5 shows, but I do keep lots of sentimental stuff - and I'm trying to sort out what I want to keep and what can go. And within what can be kept, how should it be kept. There's no point in drawers of ticket stubbs or programmes from the theatre. I'm putting things together - and getting rid of the things that I have more than one of and getting rid of the blurry photos that are never going to end up in albums. And right now, sticking photos into albums along with postcards, ticket stubbs, business cards and other bits and pieces that I brought back from far flung places.
Progress has been relatively slow - I had 8 months off a few years ago (2006-7) and those photos only got into albums last year. Last month I finished Syria 2008 and now it's 2009. There are still things from last Millennium and also from before early 2000s but I'm making progress and I'm proud of me for that. I'm not doing it for anyone else - friends are welcome to look at albums but no one ever really wants to look at all your holiday stuff in the way that you do. I enjoy looking through, smiling and laughing about what happened when and where, and I do use them for that.
Incredibly selfish - and incredibly important for me. So I'm getting back to it!
Sunday 25 September 2011
Long week!
I'm sitting in bed on Sunday morning, having watched the Andrew Marr programme and am willing myself to get up and get on with all the stuff I need to do. I can see the blue sky through the opening in the curtains and that's a nice thought as we're having a street party today. The street party is a mix of fun and hard work - I don't know my neighbours as well as I'd like and a get together gives an opportunity to do so, but when you don't know people as well, the socialising is a little harder. But I have very nice neighbours and it's worth doing.
The week has been very hectic, although I'm not really sure why. My very nice man had been working away last week - Singapore which is a 7 hour time difference and a real killer because you struggle to speak because either I had to stay up until midnight to catch him when he was getting up or he had to stay up even later to catch me when I got in from work. But hey, it was only a week. I saw him on Monday and Tuesday, had a friend over for dinner on Tuesday, went to his parents for dinner on Thursday and caught up with a friend on Friday (when I don't work because I do long days on Mon-Thu to get all my hours in on those days instead). And then yesterday I went to a friend's son's birthday party and to see a band play. And now it's Sunday and October is only around the corner next week!
Wednesday was lovely. The friend over for dinner was someone I've known for about 10 years and we have alternated as being closest friends and barely seeing each other. He set off round the world last year and ended up stopping in Australia, partly because as a teacher, he could get a working visa. I hate the cliches about "finding yourself" but he's really done that whilst he's been away - in particular, come to terms with some stuff about himself which has done him the world of good, and also has explained SO many things about life in the past. We met up when I was in Australia and had a really, really good heart-to-heart, confronted each other about stuff and worked out how we were going to be friends. And it seems to be working. He was passing through for two weeks and we only caught up twice, once in passing and once just the two of us, and it's all working well. I'm loving it. And hoping it'll last, no reason to believe otherwise yet.
I am having trouble with another friend at the moment. I'm not the only one and I'm not sure why. He seems to be quite absent, hard to get in touch with (unless he needs to speak to you and then is very persistent), doing the bare minimum to get things done for a group of us ..... and the big part is that this isn't what he's usually like. Well I say usually, but this has gone for a good couple of months (actually thinking about it, since the turn of the year, which is nearer ten months, I realise now). He doesn't do confrontation - I've observed previously how he's not said things to people rather than possibly cause upset, which of course in the long run causes more upset. It is driving me crazy. I've asked a few times if there's anything going on that means he can't do x, y or z that we're trying to get sorted out. And he's not answered.
Yesterday I had a chat with another friend who's suffering in the same way with him. We've done that quite a bit recently. I'm trying to work out the next step. I will say something but it has to be at the right time so as not to be confrontational etc. ButI want to get past this, it's irritating to start with!!
Anyhow, today is running away from me, I should get up and at it.
The week has been very hectic, although I'm not really sure why. My very nice man had been working away last week - Singapore which is a 7 hour time difference and a real killer because you struggle to speak because either I had to stay up until midnight to catch him when he was getting up or he had to stay up even later to catch me when I got in from work. But hey, it was only a week. I saw him on Monday and Tuesday, had a friend over for dinner on Tuesday, went to his parents for dinner on Thursday and caught up with a friend on Friday (when I don't work because I do long days on Mon-Thu to get all my hours in on those days instead). And then yesterday I went to a friend's son's birthday party and to see a band play. And now it's Sunday and October is only around the corner next week!
Wednesday was lovely. The friend over for dinner was someone I've known for about 10 years and we have alternated as being closest friends and barely seeing each other. He set off round the world last year and ended up stopping in Australia, partly because as a teacher, he could get a working visa. I hate the cliches about "finding yourself" but he's really done that whilst he's been away - in particular, come to terms with some stuff about himself which has done him the world of good, and also has explained SO many things about life in the past. We met up when I was in Australia and had a really, really good heart-to-heart, confronted each other about stuff and worked out how we were going to be friends. And it seems to be working. He was passing through for two weeks and we only caught up twice, once in passing and once just the two of us, and it's all working well. I'm loving it. And hoping it'll last, no reason to believe otherwise yet.
I am having trouble with another friend at the moment. I'm not the only one and I'm not sure why. He seems to be quite absent, hard to get in touch with (unless he needs to speak to you and then is very persistent), doing the bare minimum to get things done for a group of us ..... and the big part is that this isn't what he's usually like. Well I say usually, but this has gone for a good couple of months (actually thinking about it, since the turn of the year, which is nearer ten months, I realise now). He doesn't do confrontation - I've observed previously how he's not said things to people rather than possibly cause upset, which of course in the long run causes more upset. It is driving me crazy. I've asked a few times if there's anything going on that means he can't do x, y or z that we're trying to get sorted out. And he's not answered.
Yesterday I had a chat with another friend who's suffering in the same way with him. We've done that quite a bit recently. I'm trying to work out the next step. I will say something but it has to be at the right time so as not to be confrontational etc. ButI want to get past this, it's irritating to start with!!
Anyhow, today is running away from me, I should get up and at it.
Sunday 18 September 2011
Weird weekend
I've had a busy weekend but it has seemed to be the climax of a lot of weirdness. I went down to South Wales to see a friend, which was very nice but I have some bad associations with being down there, not at all related to her and indeed she knows very little about the issue, so I always feel a little on edge when I'm down there. We didn't do at all what we planned but nevertheless had a really fun time but that contributed to my feeling off kilter all weekend.
My very nice man is in Singapore for work. The internet, my smart phone, Skype, Facebook, it all means that it's so much easier - and cheaper - to be in touch than was possible a few years ago, but he hates being away. He's a home bod generally and he doesn't like living in hotels. He doesn't enjoy flying, which is a pain for someone who has to make 12+ work flights a year, and he struggles with jet lag. So all in all he's not a happy bunny. I want to cheer him up but sometimes it's a little trying. The seven-hour time difference makes it tricky - either I have to stay up til midnight to speak to him first thing when his day starts or he stays up very late (2am or later) to speak to me as soon as I get home from work. So not the best time to have a conversation.
I'm bored at work, that's obvious, and when I'm bored, I think about stuff. The current project is considering my financial position, both so I'm secure now and also that I have myself sorted for my old age. I work in the public sector and pensions are a hot topic at the moment. I do accept that I'll have to pay more for my pension, I get that, but when it comes when I've not had a pay rise for 2 years and have AT LEAST two more years to look forward to without another one, surely the public can understand that it is hard for people. (Not getting into the strike conversation here, but I'm not supportive of that position.) Anyhow, I've been looking into what I should do with money now which won't leave me strapped now if I don't have a job in future months - it's a possibility - and at the same time, what will help me with my pension income. It hurts the brain! I've been running through lots of scenarios and options in my head.
Yesterday's weirdness, was that a friend texted to say him and his other half had got married and would I like to come to a party. The party showed that it was a bit more planned than I'd first thought - in that, family was aware (of course), they'd bought new clothes and also suited up all the kids, some friends had known and as I'd just got back from a weekend away, I felt a little out of place as one of only a few not in a posh frock.
I was pleased for them, I genuinely was - they've been together for 10 years and marriage was important to her whilst he wasn't bothered ("we've both said we'll stay with someone 'til death do us part before and it didn't work out, what's the point of doing it again") and I know that they're happy together. But it burst a balloon I had - I'm really not sure that my very nice man will ever want to get married (getting divorced would be a start) but I'd thought in my head that if I ever got married, I'd want to just sneak off and do it and tell everyone later. I can honestly say I've enjoyed very few weddings that I've been to, those of my closest friends have possibly been the worst and I'd not want to inflict that one anyone else. My family's very small so I'd really only tell my parents and sister, no one else. But now it feels like they've stolen my plan, even though it's not really a plan that is genuine, it's not one that I know I'll ever carry out. However, it was mine.
So I'm feeling rather grumpy this Sunday - and guilty about being grumpy - and also that the world is a lot more weird than I thought it was.
My very nice man is in Singapore for work. The internet, my smart phone, Skype, Facebook, it all means that it's so much easier - and cheaper - to be in touch than was possible a few years ago, but he hates being away. He's a home bod generally and he doesn't like living in hotels. He doesn't enjoy flying, which is a pain for someone who has to make 12+ work flights a year, and he struggles with jet lag. So all in all he's not a happy bunny. I want to cheer him up but sometimes it's a little trying. The seven-hour time difference makes it tricky - either I have to stay up til midnight to speak to him first thing when his day starts or he stays up very late (2am or later) to speak to me as soon as I get home from work. So not the best time to have a conversation.
I'm bored at work, that's obvious, and when I'm bored, I think about stuff. The current project is considering my financial position, both so I'm secure now and also that I have myself sorted for my old age. I work in the public sector and pensions are a hot topic at the moment. I do accept that I'll have to pay more for my pension, I get that, but when it comes when I've not had a pay rise for 2 years and have AT LEAST two more years to look forward to without another one, surely the public can understand that it is hard for people. (Not getting into the strike conversation here, but I'm not supportive of that position.) Anyhow, I've been looking into what I should do with money now which won't leave me strapped now if I don't have a job in future months - it's a possibility - and at the same time, what will help me with my pension income. It hurts the brain! I've been running through lots of scenarios and options in my head.
Yesterday's weirdness, was that a friend texted to say him and his other half had got married and would I like to come to a party. The party showed that it was a bit more planned than I'd first thought - in that, family was aware (of course), they'd bought new clothes and also suited up all the kids, some friends had known and as I'd just got back from a weekend away, I felt a little out of place as one of only a few not in a posh frock.
I was pleased for them, I genuinely was - they've been together for 10 years and marriage was important to her whilst he wasn't bothered ("we've both said we'll stay with someone 'til death do us part before and it didn't work out, what's the point of doing it again") and I know that they're happy together. But it burst a balloon I had - I'm really not sure that my very nice man will ever want to get married (getting divorced would be a start) but I'd thought in my head that if I ever got married, I'd want to just sneak off and do it and tell everyone later. I can honestly say I've enjoyed very few weddings that I've been to, those of my closest friends have possibly been the worst and I'd not want to inflict that one anyone else. My family's very small so I'd really only tell my parents and sister, no one else. But now it feels like they've stolen my plan, even though it's not really a plan that is genuine, it's not one that I know I'll ever carry out. However, it was mine.
So I'm feeling rather grumpy this Sunday - and guilty about being grumpy - and also that the world is a lot more weird than I thought it was.
Sunday 11 September 2011
Stop - hammock time
As part of the aim to be a better blogger ......
It's been a lovely weekend. Weather-wise I mean. We're so lucky that the weather has decided to play ball for a little longer. I mean, I'm not expecting too much, I don't need ninety degrees in the shade, I'm happy to be outside in a jumper and jeans in August just so long as I can get a bit of sun on my face and a clear blue sky. That's not too bad, is it.
A few years ago I had some time out - a grown-up Gap year, that lasted 33 weeks. I first taught English in Central America and then travelled pretty extensively in South America. And came back with wonderful memories and two hammocks. I got very attached to sleeping in hammocks when I was away and bought a couple to bring home. I wouldn't have believed I'd sleep in the so well, I'm a fussy sleeper who tosses and turns a lot going to sleep but in a hammock I didn't try (you can't really move too much but somehow I didn't want to, and it wasn't because I was sleeping badly at all).
Four years later, I have FINALLY got around to having some work done in my garden, including putting in some posts from which to hang the hammock. It turned out to be a strike of genius before all the kids were over for my birthday but there weren't many (indeed any) opportunities for me to try out the hammocks.
But now, I've got the hammock and I can just pop out for half an hour and lie in it, rock back and forth and read the paper or do something else just for me. I don't mind that it's not that warm - I can live with that. I've slept in it in a sleeping bag so taking a blanket out isn't a problem. It's just very self indulgent, I'm saying that I'm going to be out there for a little while and I can't pretend that I'm doing something else. Me time just for me.
So, excuse me, hammock calling - got to make the most of it whilst weather's permitting!
It's been a lovely weekend. Weather-wise I mean. We're so lucky that the weather has decided to play ball for a little longer. I mean, I'm not expecting too much, I don't need ninety degrees in the shade, I'm happy to be outside in a jumper and jeans in August just so long as I can get a bit of sun on my face and a clear blue sky. That's not too bad, is it.
A few years ago I had some time out - a grown-up Gap year, that lasted 33 weeks. I first taught English in Central America and then travelled pretty extensively in South America. And came back with wonderful memories and two hammocks. I got very attached to sleeping in hammocks when I was away and bought a couple to bring home. I wouldn't have believed I'd sleep in the so well, I'm a fussy sleeper who tosses and turns a lot going to sleep but in a hammock I didn't try (you can't really move too much but somehow I didn't want to, and it wasn't because I was sleeping badly at all).
Four years later, I have FINALLY got around to having some work done in my garden, including putting in some posts from which to hang the hammock. It turned out to be a strike of genius before all the kids were over for my birthday but there weren't many (indeed any) opportunities for me to try out the hammocks.
But now, I've got the hammock and I can just pop out for half an hour and lie in it, rock back and forth and read the paper or do something else just for me. I don't mind that it's not that warm - I can live with that. I've slept in it in a sleeping bag so taking a blanket out isn't a problem. It's just very self indulgent, I'm saying that I'm going to be out there for a little while and I can't pretend that I'm doing something else. Me time just for me.
So, excuse me, hammock calling - got to make the most of it whilst weather's permitting!
Friday 9 September 2011
Old friends, hundreds of kids ......
It was my birthday at the weekend and as I'd not done anything for years, I decided to have a party. I gave my old uni friends an early heads up and 6 out of the 7 of them could make it, so I thought that it'd be nice for it just to be us. A small group, lots of chatting and catching up. Couple of glasses of wine to relax, nice chats, sitting in the garden - very civilised.
But I'd forgotten one key point - they now all come with so many other people. Other halves and kids - hundreds of them. Ok, so hundreds is a bit of an exaggeration but there were 4 husbands and ten children, of which six were 4 and under! None of the girls have ever been the best at making plans and sticking to them, so I was in a marvellous position with people arriving at 10am (which became 1115), 1130, "lunchtime", and "early afternoon" - but all were coming for food. I went for a straightforward jacket potatoes and bolognaise sauce (with a small pot of veggie curry for the vegetarian) - but there were a good number of fussy eaters so some didn't like potatoes, some didn't like bolognaise ...... oh and some had to eat much earlier than we were going to eat (despite people arriving later than they'd said and indeed not really telling me when they were coming).
None of the above really annoyed me. Lots of it have been characteristics of my friends for years - crap at communication, always late - and I've learned to ignore it. The one I found really hard was that is was almost impossible to actually speak to my friends. Now, it's always going to be difficult when there are a lot of people around. But there was no hope. Distractions by children, other halves - mainly children it has to be said. I ended up sitting and people watching - at my own party!! This didn't upset me, but I did step away from it all and look at the different ways my friends interact with their children.
There was the 9 year old, who, bless her, ended up picking up the younger ones and taking them in and out of one of my two hammocks. (My hammocks, souvenirs from a holiday over 4 years ago, have just had their first outings as I've put posts into the back garden tfrom which o hang them.) The kids loved the hammocks and it was pretty inspired. Her sisters (two of the next three in age) were pretty good and played with balls and stuff quietly. When the others had left (their parents were staying), they all wanted to sit up and listen to grown-up talk. Which was actually fine - they sat quietly, we put a little bit of thought into what we were saying (no swearing, no gossip they shouldn't repeat) but it was lovely.
And the rest ..... at the other end of the age scale, the youngest but one needed lots of parental attention because he was a bit too young and delicate for the others to play with. The parents took it in turns to walk him around and kick a ball to him but he ate everything, didn't sleep when he was supposed to because it was all too exciting, and didn't cry or moan at all.
In the middle, it appears that my friends struggle to parent. They failed to give their kids the right sort of attention but also failed to communicate with the adults either. When they started a conversation, the kids interrupted or the parents got distracted by something that the kids were doing. And had to run after them. But the when kids wanted someone to do something with them, like kick a football about or similar, they weren't doing that either. My very nice man went in goal for a short time and one of the boys suddenly became his best friend, following him about for doing something that none of the dads would do.
I did have a lovely birthday. And I had some lovely time with my friends at some points in the day. But I've yet to work out how exactly how we should now interact because we're not the same - and indeed now they're parents, some of them are very very different. Hmm.
But I'd forgotten one key point - they now all come with so many other people. Other halves and kids - hundreds of them. Ok, so hundreds is a bit of an exaggeration but there were 4 husbands and ten children, of which six were 4 and under! None of the girls have ever been the best at making plans and sticking to them, so I was in a marvellous position with people arriving at 10am (which became 1115), 1130, "lunchtime", and "early afternoon" - but all were coming for food. I went for a straightforward jacket potatoes and bolognaise sauce (with a small pot of veggie curry for the vegetarian) - but there were a good number of fussy eaters so some didn't like potatoes, some didn't like bolognaise ...... oh and some had to eat much earlier than we were going to eat (despite people arriving later than they'd said and indeed not really telling me when they were coming).
None of the above really annoyed me. Lots of it have been characteristics of my friends for years - crap at communication, always late - and I've learned to ignore it. The one I found really hard was that is was almost impossible to actually speak to my friends. Now, it's always going to be difficult when there are a lot of people around. But there was no hope. Distractions by children, other halves - mainly children it has to be said. I ended up sitting and people watching - at my own party!! This didn't upset me, but I did step away from it all and look at the different ways my friends interact with their children.
There was the 9 year old, who, bless her, ended up picking up the younger ones and taking them in and out of one of my two hammocks. (My hammocks, souvenirs from a holiday over 4 years ago, have just had their first outings as I've put posts into the back garden tfrom which o hang them.) The kids loved the hammocks and it was pretty inspired. Her sisters (two of the next three in age) were pretty good and played with balls and stuff quietly. When the others had left (their parents were staying), they all wanted to sit up and listen to grown-up talk. Which was actually fine - they sat quietly, we put a little bit of thought into what we were saying (no swearing, no gossip they shouldn't repeat) but it was lovely.
And the rest ..... at the other end of the age scale, the youngest but one needed lots of parental attention because he was a bit too young and delicate for the others to play with. The parents took it in turns to walk him around and kick a ball to him but he ate everything, didn't sleep when he was supposed to because it was all too exciting, and didn't cry or moan at all.
In the middle, it appears that my friends struggle to parent. They failed to give their kids the right sort of attention but also failed to communicate with the adults either. When they started a conversation, the kids interrupted or the parents got distracted by something that the kids were doing. And had to run after them. But the when kids wanted someone to do something with them, like kick a football about or similar, they weren't doing that either. My very nice man went in goal for a short time and one of the boys suddenly became his best friend, following him about for doing something that none of the dads would do.
I did have a lovely birthday. And I had some lovely time with my friends at some points in the day. But I've yet to work out how exactly how we should now interact because we're not the same - and indeed now they're parents, some of them are very very different. Hmm.
Tuesday 6 September 2011
Bad blogger
I'd never intended to be this bad at blogging, honest! I don't like that I can't update the blog from my phone, why, I don't understand. And when I get home at night, after spending all day in front of a computer screen, I have no urge to turn the computer on and start typing.
I've messed about with a few posts to update about the things I've been doing in the last few weeks. I went to Edinburgh for the Fringe and had a lovely time - after I survived the journey, 10 hours from office (in London) to get to my friend's flat, she'd gone to bed and left the key under the mat. I spent a day taking myself to see shows that took my fancy and saw Worbey & Farrell, a pair of superb pianists who take the comedy piano duets to a new level, not just swapping seats and batting each other out of the way but mixing cocktails whilst playing, and I also saw the Rom Com Con, a free show with two budding young actresses from Cambridgeshire who were testing the theory that Rom Coms just make it all up. And my friend and I had pre-booked Rich Hall (v funny man, much better than when on Have I Got News For You), Fred Macaulay (much ruder than when he's on the radio!) and Mitch Benn who was superb. My favourite moment was his Macbeth rap, in the style of Eminem and with backing recorded on his i-phone as he went on - to demonstrate what Shakespeare would have been doing were he alive today!
I also went to Cornwall with my very nice man and his previously nice but now more difficult 11 year old. That's the end of trips like that, unfortunately, and not just because it was hard work on our side. We stayed with a friend of mine, who has a 2½ year old. I've known her for 13 years and we've got on very well all that time. Since she's had the child, it's been tricky because the child is all consuming - he doesn't seem to be a difficult child but she's found him very demanding. But she dotes on him and makes him the centre of - nay, the only thing in - her life. It makes visiting tricky because you can't spend any time with her. Her other half is a nice enough guy but doesn't do much with the child at all, partly because he seems struggle to know what to do with him although that has changed now he's not a baby any more. And partly because she won't let anyone else do things with the child. She's still breast feeding - at 2½, I'm trying not to judge - which means she's never had a night away from him but also won't let anyone else do things to help.
Anyway, add this to the fact that the 11 year old has just started to be awkward, the trip was not easy. He wants to be with his dad when we're away - of course that's very understandable - although he's happy to have other people around. Except me. But it got taken to an extreme - take the day we went into the town for him to look for presents for his mum and sisters, I opted to get a newspaper and sit in a cafe. I would have hated shopping with anyone and it was a perfect dad and son opportunity. But the boy had a face on the whole time; in the end, when it was drawn out of him, he said he thought it was just going to be him and his dad. And the thing that confused us all was it was just him and his dad - they had two hours (when he was miserable) entirely without me. And of course, because we were staying with a friend of mine, my very nice man had money to spend on activities, which they also did on their own without me!
But I've booked another nice holiday for me. Unfortunately without the lovely man but he's both broke and can't get away from work. But I'm going to take me to get a flash view of Asia - a dash through Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam in 2 weeks. In November/December, when the weather there is supposed to be the best and it'll give me some summer sun in the winter, yay for me. I love going away and I need to always have a trip to look forward to. I know I'm incredibly to still be able to do this post credit crunch but I don't spend much on other things - not on clothes or nights out or my house (all nice but nothing new in ...... well ages) - so I can splurge. Lucky me!
Thursday 11 August 2011
Someone else's children
So, I'm in a relationship with a married man - in that, he's still married and will get divorced eventually (honestly, they'd split almost a year before we even thought of getting together, the split had nothing to do with me). And he has three kids, the youngest (11) is an absolutely sweetheart, he sees his dad every other weekend, as per agreement and because he really wants to spend time with his dad. The middle one is now getting to be a bit challenging, playing one parent off against the other when one says no, you know what I mean. And the oldest one (16 going on 26) is a pain and then some. I bite my tongue repeatedly about how to bring up kids, I don't have any and don't really want them, for these and many other reasons.
And at times it drives me insane! When they first split, he missed his kids dreadfully and every day he suffered knowing that he no longer got to see them every day. We were only acquaintances at that time but I could see how much it all pained him. The S2BX (soon to be ex) was pretty horrid, some things were deliberate, like telling one of the girls that her father never really wanted her any way, and some just inconsiderate, like not ensuring that they all went to his every fortnight, as per the agreement, so the older ones decided that being with their friends was more fun and of course they can always see Dad next time ….. and then next time there's something else to do.
So he's decided to be "available" for the kids when they want or need to get in touch with him and he goes out of his way to help. Which – in my humble opinion – means that the older ones treat him incredibly badly, only asking for money or to be driven somewhere, or a combination of the both. And he gets really upset about this because he sees what's happening but he doesn't say anything because he is grateful for every bit of contact that he gets and he doesn't want to lose them altogether.
And I bite my tongue, over and over and over again, until I have too much to drink and then say something. Which usually just makes him upset, because he agrees with me but doesn't want to take the risk, and the conversation ends as a stalemate, no conclusion, no moving on.
It's so hard to watch someone you love being beaten up all the time, not literally obviously, but maybe that wouldn't be as painful. I don't think anyone can give me any solutions to this one – it's just good to get it out because I don't talk about it much at home, for all the reasons above. Life's not simple is it?!
And at times it drives me insane! When they first split, he missed his kids dreadfully and every day he suffered knowing that he no longer got to see them every day. We were only acquaintances at that time but I could see how much it all pained him. The S2BX (soon to be ex) was pretty horrid, some things were deliberate, like telling one of the girls that her father never really wanted her any way, and some just inconsiderate, like not ensuring that they all went to his every fortnight, as per the agreement, so the older ones decided that being with their friends was more fun and of course they can always see Dad next time ….. and then next time there's something else to do.
So he's decided to be "available" for the kids when they want or need to get in touch with him and he goes out of his way to help. Which – in my humble opinion – means that the older ones treat him incredibly badly, only asking for money or to be driven somewhere, or a combination of the both. And he gets really upset about this because he sees what's happening but he doesn't say anything because he is grateful for every bit of contact that he gets and he doesn't want to lose them altogether.
And I bite my tongue, over and over and over again, until I have too much to drink and then say something. Which usually just makes him upset, because he agrees with me but doesn't want to take the risk, and the conversation ends as a stalemate, no conclusion, no moving on.
It's so hard to watch someone you love being beaten up all the time, not literally obviously, but maybe that wouldn't be as painful. I don't think anyone can give me any solutions to this one – it's just good to get it out because I don't talk about it much at home, for all the reasons above. Life's not simple is it?!
Sunday 31 July 2011
Old Friends, Good Times
I had a week where all I wanted to do was moan and complain and thought that my blog didn't deserve all of that. So waited until I got something nicer to write about. Which was yesterday. Despite blinding headache, I went to see an old friend, possibly my oldest friend that I'm still in touch with - in terms of longevity of friendship rather than age of friend - and who I'd not caught up with for some months because we can both be a bit pants. And it was lovely. We went for a long walk on to the downs near where he lives - well actually not that near because it must have been a good two miles to get there and then we walked for a couple of miles and then walked home again, all starting quite late in the afternoon. But the weather was beautiful and we walked and chatted.
There are some friendships that it really doesn't matter if you see your friend every day or not for weeks or months, it's still the same. And this is one of those. We've been friends for the best part of 30 years, since primary school, and we've laughed, cried, fought, travelled ...... and we're still there for each other. When I split up with my boyfriend, and I had to cope with the house on my own and get used to having no money, he was there. I've taken him on holiday because he's had no money. I've got used to his girlfriends banning him from seeing me because there "obviously" must be something going on - because I've known that if I just wait, he'll see that if she can't deal with a friendship, she's really not worth hanging on to. And my boyfriend really likes him too so that shows me that I'm with a really great guy.
Yesterday also underlined that I need to plan more exciting weekends like this. Not going far or spending lots of money but just having some quality good time with quality people. Hmm, where's my diary.
There are some friendships that it really doesn't matter if you see your friend every day or not for weeks or months, it's still the same. And this is one of those. We've been friends for the best part of 30 years, since primary school, and we've laughed, cried, fought, travelled ...... and we're still there for each other. When I split up with my boyfriend, and I had to cope with the house on my own and get used to having no money, he was there. I've taken him on holiday because he's had no money. I've got used to his girlfriends banning him from seeing me because there "obviously" must be something going on - because I've known that if I just wait, he'll see that if she can't deal with a friendship, she's really not worth hanging on to. And my boyfriend really likes him too so that shows me that I'm with a really great guy.
Yesterday also underlined that I need to plan more exciting weekends like this. Not going far or spending lots of money but just having some quality good time with quality people. Hmm, where's my diary.
Friday 22 July 2011
Oops, neglecting my blog
So I've neglected my blog already. Partly because I've been away but also because my Smart Phone isn't smart in connection with updating a blog. I can create a new entry, or edit one that's saved, but can't actually write anything in the text boxes. Anyone? Anyone?
My holiday was wonderful and has left me not wanting to be back, particularly back in work. I've had a bit of an up-and-down year, with more down than up I suspect, and it's been pretty tricky for me as I previously loved my job. Of course I had bad days, with bosses who ranged from frustrating to incompetent to actually not very nice, but I didn't have too much trouble getting out of bed to do it. In the last year, that's been totally different. My attitude has been knocked because I was treated very badly (after being treated just "badly" a couple of years before) and as I look around, I have no faith in the senior management to be able to do what needs to be done. Or, frankly, to do very much indeed. But I manage staff and I still have the personal integrity to know that I can't let them know I feel like that and have to help them achieve their objectives every day. Blugh.
So I got back to work on Monday morning, having landed on Saturday evening, been home and in bed at a reasonable time and awake before 4am on both Sunday and Monday mornings. So I got in to work just after 7am on Monday because I knew I'd be flagging in the late afternoon. I ploughed through 300 or so emails and thought "nothing's happened". No progress had been made on big issues, and the managers below me hadn't done anything with what I'd asked them to do. Very frustrating. And it also fired the side of me that gives a big sigh every morning when I get up so that I don't want to be there again.
So we need to think about operation get out. Get somewhere else. So that I feel I'm doing SOMETHING. There is a project I'm working on that'll run to early next year and it's about changing structure and staffing so I really do want to see that through (good for the CV but also make sure my people are treated properly because they deserve it) and then ......
Answers on a postcard please .....
My holiday was wonderful and has left me not wanting to be back, particularly back in work. I've had a bit of an up-and-down year, with more down than up I suspect, and it's been pretty tricky for me as I previously loved my job. Of course I had bad days, with bosses who ranged from frustrating to incompetent to actually not very nice, but I didn't have too much trouble getting out of bed to do it. In the last year, that's been totally different. My attitude has been knocked because I was treated very badly (after being treated just "badly" a couple of years before) and as I look around, I have no faith in the senior management to be able to do what needs to be done. Or, frankly, to do very much indeed. But I manage staff and I still have the personal integrity to know that I can't let them know I feel like that and have to help them achieve their objectives every day. Blugh.
So I got back to work on Monday morning, having landed on Saturday evening, been home and in bed at a reasonable time and awake before 4am on both Sunday and Monday mornings. So I got in to work just after 7am on Monday because I knew I'd be flagging in the late afternoon. I ploughed through 300 or so emails and thought "nothing's happened". No progress had been made on big issues, and the managers below me hadn't done anything with what I'd asked them to do. Very frustrating. And it also fired the side of me that gives a big sigh every morning when I get up so that I don't want to be there again.
So we need to think about operation get out. Get somewhere else. So that I feel I'm doing SOMETHING. There is a project I'm working on that'll run to early next year and it's about changing structure and staffing so I really do want to see that through (good for the CV but also make sure my people are treated properly because they deserve it) and then ......
Answers on a postcard please .....
Sunday 3 July 2011
Drunken women
So the first problem with this blog is that my HTC doesn't let me write text in the box, only give a title. Must work on that one.
On Friday I went to a dinner as part of the "playing corporate wife" bit of this trip (I'm not actually anyone's wife, but playing corporate girlfriend doesn't have the same ring to it). It was mostly good, slightly weird but mostly good. There are some people who rate your worth but visible characteristics - at an academic conference, some guys think that you're not at all worthwhile if you don't have a PhD. And others don't want to speak to you if you can't be used as a step up for their career. And I'm used to all of that, I don't like it but I'm certainly now able to ignore it - people who don't want to speak to me really don't interest me.
But what I really didn't get at this event, and it's the first time I've witnessed it, is that there were a number of younger women (late 20s, early 30s) who are bright and not just there as the "plus one" - some who work at well-renowned universities, some with PhDs or studying for them - who needed to prove their worth by hanging on the words, and arms, of the most influential men. There was an incredible amount of eye-lash fluttering, giggling, flicking of hair ..... and as the evening went on, there were some drunken women throwing themselves at guys who, frankly, in ordinary society are the academic nerds and are not going to turn down the attentions of females, particularly young attractive ones.
But WHY, I found myself wondering. I work in a totally different sphere, the public sector, but still find myself in the middle of conversations when I'm assumed to be stupid because I am young (well, now I have to say "younger" as I go through my 30s) and female. I quite enjoy wiping the floor with these ignorant men during meetings or conversations and that's how I assert my worth in a work context. Fortunately, there aren't that many woman who try to play on their femininity to get things done and that is good for all of us. Because what I really didn't understand was that these women were setting their own cause - and those of all females in all fields back decades. These men were learning that they could chose who was academically useful based on who flattered them the most and was (possibly, I wasn't there at the end of the evening) willing to sleep with them ..... or at least might sleep with them at some point in the future. And this was seen as right.
I can't conclude anything from this because I'm still confused by it all. But can suggest that these women need to look in the mirror, develop some self esteem and simply grow up!
On Friday I went to a dinner as part of the "playing corporate wife" bit of this trip (I'm not actually anyone's wife, but playing corporate girlfriend doesn't have the same ring to it). It was mostly good, slightly weird but mostly good. There are some people who rate your worth but visible characteristics - at an academic conference, some guys think that you're not at all worthwhile if you don't have a PhD. And others don't want to speak to you if you can't be used as a step up for their career. And I'm used to all of that, I don't like it but I'm certainly now able to ignore it - people who don't want to speak to me really don't interest me.
But what I really didn't get at this event, and it's the first time I've witnessed it, is that there were a number of younger women (late 20s, early 30s) who are bright and not just there as the "plus one" - some who work at well-renowned universities, some with PhDs or studying for them - who needed to prove their worth by hanging on the words, and arms, of the most influential men. There was an incredible amount of eye-lash fluttering, giggling, flicking of hair ..... and as the evening went on, there were some drunken women throwing themselves at guys who, frankly, in ordinary society are the academic nerds and are not going to turn down the attentions of females, particularly young attractive ones.
But WHY, I found myself wondering. I work in a totally different sphere, the public sector, but still find myself in the middle of conversations when I'm assumed to be stupid because I am young (well, now I have to say "younger" as I go through my 30s) and female. I quite enjoy wiping the floor with these ignorant men during meetings or conversations and that's how I assert my worth in a work context. Fortunately, there aren't that many woman who try to play on their femininity to get things done and that is good for all of us. Because what I really didn't understand was that these women were setting their own cause - and those of all females in all fields back decades. These men were learning that they could chose who was academically useful based on who flattered them the most and was (possibly, I wasn't there at the end of the evening) willing to sleep with them ..... or at least might sleep with them at some point in the future. And this was seen as right.
I can't conclude anything from this because I'm still confused by it all. But can suggest that these women need to look in the mirror, develop some self esteem and simply grow up!
Wednesday 29 June 2011
Take a while to get back to you
I'm away at the moment, on the other side of the world. It's been a while since I've had a holiday and this one is being really fab already. It's actually a bit of a cheat's holiday as my other half is on business here and I'm tagging along. A positive for me is that this is one of the few ways that we get to do this sort of trip. We earn about the same amount but unlike him, I don't have a (nearly) ex wife and three kids so our disposable income couldn't be more different, with me saving lots because I've never lived up to my means and him trying to come out with less outgoings than income each month and not always succeeding. And of course, as he's a "man" (said whilst beating the chest), he's doesn't accept the argument that I could pay for both of us. He doesn't accept the argument that a holiday is worth lots and lots to me, such that I'd be happy to pay for it twice over. We NEVER argue, in a healthy but pretty sickening manner it has to be said, but one day we really will row about this one.
The downside about this way of travelling is that I have to be corporate wife. It's not really corporate wife as he's an academic but I feel I know how these poor women feel. I can't decide what's worse as you either end up talking to the people who want to tell you about their work in great detail or you get ignored (to the point of people turning their back on you and not talking to you) because it's assumed you don't have a PhD and therefore can't have a brain in your head. Some people are truly lovely about it all but some are really horrid. There was a drinks "do" last night and I suffered somewhat there but there were also some really lovely people who were nice to talk to.
This morning (after the alarm goes off in two hours time, damn you jetlag) I'm get to go off and see a beautiful area of the country whilst the workers work. Very much looking forward to it - yay for holidays!!
The downside about this way of travelling is that I have to be corporate wife. It's not really corporate wife as he's an academic but I feel I know how these poor women feel. I can't decide what's worse as you either end up talking to the people who want to tell you about their work in great detail or you get ignored (to the point of people turning their back on you and not talking to you) because it's assumed you don't have a PhD and therefore can't have a brain in your head. Some people are truly lovely about it all but some are really horrid. There was a drinks "do" last night and I suffered somewhat there but there were also some really lovely people who were nice to talk to.
This morning (after the alarm goes off in two hours time, damn you jetlag) I'm get to go off and see a beautiful area of the country whilst the workers work. Very much looking forward to it - yay for holidays!!
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Hello Blog!
So here's the thing ..... I've been reading a couple of blogs for quite some time. It started when I was looking for weight-loss stories and inspiration, but I got hooked. I got hooked on the stories of other people's lives. I hope in a genuine way and not with voyeuristic glee at how things were going, or not going, for other people. And I love it. I feel like I know these people and feel like I have been I've been through their ups and downs with them.
So I thought it should be my go. I mean, I've been being quite selfish for quite a while, reading but not participating. And I've got lots of things I mull over in my head so why not put my thoughts out here for everyone else to see and comment on! Why not indeed.
So hello blogsphere. Please be nice to me!
So I thought it should be my go. I mean, I've been being quite selfish for quite a while, reading but not participating. And I've got lots of things I mull over in my head so why not put my thoughts out here for everyone else to see and comment on! Why not indeed.
So hello blogsphere. Please be nice to me!
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