And at times it drives me insane! When they first split, he missed his kids dreadfully and every day he suffered knowing that he no longer got to see them every day. We were only acquaintances at that time but I could see how much it all pained him. The S2BX (soon to be ex) was pretty horrid, some things were deliberate, like telling one of the girls that her father never really wanted her any way, and some just inconsiderate, like not ensuring that they all went to his every fortnight, as per the agreement, so the older ones decided that being with their friends was more fun and of course they can always see Dad next time ….. and then next time there's something else to do.
So he's decided to be "available" for the kids when they want or need to get in touch with him and he goes out of his way to help. Which – in my humble opinion – means that the older ones treat him incredibly badly, only asking for money or to be driven somewhere, or a combination of the both. And he gets really upset about this because he sees what's happening but he doesn't say anything because he is grateful for every bit of contact that he gets and he doesn't want to lose them altogether.
And I bite my tongue, over and over and over again, until I have too much to drink and then say something. Which usually just makes him upset, because he agrees with me but doesn't want to take the risk, and the conversation ends as a stalemate, no conclusion, no moving on.
It's so hard to watch someone you love being beaten up all the time, not literally obviously, but maybe that wouldn't be as painful. I don't think anyone can give me any solutions to this one – it's just good to get it out because I don't talk about it much at home, for all the reasons above. Life's not simple is it?!
Oh I feel your pain. My ex had a child and it made things very difficult. His ex also used said child as a pawn and it was bloody hard work trying to keep my mouth shut. In fairness, his child was too young at the time to play them off against each other, so I can't imagine how hard it must be also dealing with a stroppy and manipulative teenager!
ReplyDeleteI guess you just have to be there for him and hope his kids realise one day how lucky they are to have a dad who actually cares x
No it most certainly isn't. I've often thought that the role of the new partner where kids are involved is one of the trickiest to negotiate. But on the positive side it usually works itself out with a bit of lip biting!!
ReplyDeleteMy boyf Rich was the incredibly difficult and angry older child when his father left his ma and yet, with patient handling, it has ended up with him being close and affectionate with his father, his stepmum and his mum. And that goes for his brother and sister and their children as well. What sounds like it started as a horrendous mess has resolved itself into a friendly cooperative family once more. I hope that happens for you.
All the best with the lip biting and this IS good place to let off steam isnt it??
Lesley xx